Art Gallery
m
Recent Posts
Home2019October

Who the Son sets free is free indeed.

13 years a slave.

Rescued on August 6th, 2018.

I implore you.

If you are grappling with addiction

Wait not a second longer.

You were not born to be a slave.

To heroin, alcohol, cocaine, amphetamines, opioids, benzos.

You are a Child of God.

He loves you with all the power in the universe.

He has the power to set you free.

To release you from your addiction.

No matter how deep your addiction

How hopeless you feel inside

How long you have been struggling

It matters not.

Who the Son sets free is free indeed.

I write this to you, as a free man.

Come join me – whoever you are – in this beautiful life free of addiction.

I call upon God to save you.

As He did me.

You are loved.

You are worth it.

Who the Son sets free is free indeed.

Who the Son sets free is free

by Brandi
What happened along the way
Now you use every day
Sell your soul to get your high
While your life passes you by

I think what can I do to try
To help you see before you die
The girl that I used to know
Is hiding with no where to go

I pray she finds her way back
And fights the addiction from attack
The devil puppeteering her strings
Making her sick with everything he brings

All I want for her to see
Is that she has a friend in me
I will be there when she asks
For a friend to take on the task

Loving her for who she can be
Hoping she can be set free
From the reign of this disease
That brings you down to your knees

I am here for when you choose
You’ve got nothing left to lose
Find your way to being clean
And see the life you haven’t seen.

You deserve sobriety
You also have a friend in me
I hope that you can find your way
And have a future of brighter days

Because you deserve the very best
Your soul deserves a well earned rest.
I love you for eternity
I want back the girl you used to be.

by Brandi What happened along the way Now you

Refuge Recovery is grounded in the belief that Buddhist principles and practices create a strong foundation for a path to freedom from addiction.

This program is an approach to recovery that understands:
All individuals have the power and potential to free themselves from the suffering that is caused by addiction. We feel confident in the power of the buddha’s teachings, if applied, to relieve suffering of all kinds, including the suffering of addiction. This is a process that cultivates a path of awakening, the path of recovering from the addictions and delusions that have created so much suffering in our lives and in this world.

Refuge Recovery believes that training our hearts and minds to see clearly and respond to our lives with understanding and non-harming can free us from addiction. In the beginning, some of these practices may seem confusing or counter-instinctual, and indeed some of them are, but we believe they provide a clear path to freedom.

Whether this path is familiar to you or new to you, we all benefit from the support of a community of peers who share this journey. Refuge Recovery seeks to support all those seeking recovery from addiction by building an extensive and comprehensive network of Refuge Recovery communities.

The Four Truths Of Refuge Recovery
Addiction Creates Suffering
The Cause of Addiction is Repetitive Craving
Recovery is Possible.
The Path to Recovery is Available.

The Four Foundations of Mindfulness:
1.  Mindfulness of body/breath
2.  Mindfulness of feelings
3.  Mindfulness of mind states
4.  Mindfulness of mind objects (truth)

Heart Practice Meditations:
1. Kindness: Towards all experience
2. Compassion/forgiveness: Towards the suffering we experience, and have caused.
3. Appreciation: Towards pleasure
4. Equanimity: Understanding the reality of ongoing change

THE EIGHTFOLD PATH TO RECOVERY

This is an abstinence-based path and philosophy. We believe that the recovery process begins when abstinence begins. The eight factors of the path are to be developed, experienced and sustained. This is not a linear path and, as such, does not have to be taken in order; rather, all of the factors will need to be developed and applied simultaneously. This is a guide to having a life that is free from addiction. The eight-fold path of recovery is intended to be maintained throughout one’s lifetime:

Understanding
We understand that recovery begins when we renounce and abstain from all substances or addictive behaviors regardless of specific substances we have become addicted to. Forgiveness, non-harming actions, service and generosity are a necessary part of the recovery process. We can’t do it alone; community support and wise guidance are an integral part of the path to recovery.

We begin to open to and acknowledge the reality of our situation and come to terms with the reality that life is an ongoing process of change, on-going difficulties and we begin to see this process as something that is not happening to “us”; we move from being in a state of reacting to developing an awareness that can respond to the ups and downs of our lives. We begin to take responsibility for the relationship that we have to our own life experience.

Intention
We begin to move towards a lifestyle that is rooted in non-harming by establishing clear intentions and work to change our relationship towards the mind’s unwholesome tendencies and habits. We intend to meet all pain with compassion and all pleasure with non-attached appreciation. The practices of non-harming both internally and externally become a foundational part of daily life

Communication/Community
We take refuge in the community as a place to practice wise and skillful communication and to support others on their path. We practice being honest, wise and careful with our communications, asking for help from the community, allowing others to guide us through the process. Practicing openness, honesty and humility about the difficulties and successes we experience.

Action
We abstain from all substances and behaviors that could lead to suffering. We practice forgiveness toward all people we have harmed or been harmed by, including ourselves, through both meditative training and direct amends. Compassion, non-attached appreciation, generosity, kindness, honesty, integrity and service are our guiding principles.

Livelihood/Service
We begin to look at our relationship to money. We try to be of service to others when ever possible, being generous with our time, energy, attention and resources to help create positive change. We try to secure a source of income/livelihood that causes no harm.

Effort
We commit to the daily disciplined practices of meditation, yoga, exercise, wise actions, kindness, forgiveness, generosity, compassion, appreciation and moment-to-moment mindfulness of feelings, emotions, thoughts and sensations. To develop these skills requires time and patience. It is important to begin to understand how to apply the appropriate action or meditation practice in any given situation or circumstance. We will need to develop the willingness and discipline that is required to stay with it, and to keep going when we make mistakes.

Mindfulness/Meditations
We develop wisdom and understanding through practicing formal mindfulness meditation. This leads to seeing clearly and healing the root causes and conditions that lead to the suffering of addiction. We practice present-time awareness in all aspects of our life. We move towards taking refuge in the present moment; to engage whole-heartedly in our lives as it unfolds in the here and now. We begin to develop a daily sitting practice of mindfulness and heart practices. We make a commitment to sitting at home and with others.

Concentration/Meditations
We develop the capacity to focus the mind on a single object, such as the breath or a phrase, training the mind through the practices of loving-kindness, compassion and forgiveness to focus on the positive qualities we seek to uncover and we utilize concentration at times of temptation or craving in order to abstain from acting unwisely.

THE PATH TO RECOVERY

We are asked to embrace the reality of cause and effect (karma). All of our actions have consequences. We know that, but we rarely consider this reality when we engage with life. We often simply ignore or pretend that we can get away with all types of habits and actions that we know cause harm to ourselves and to others.

When we enter this recovery process we need to be aware of this reality, and start to take responsibility for our experience.  Meditation practice allows us to look at the internal habits and thoughts of our own mind.

Developing mindfulness is the most effective way to see this process. We can begin to get a sense of our relationship to pleasant and unpleasant experience, how this affects our habits of craving and in turn leads to grasping, clinging and attachment: This process is the basis of addiction.

No one can recover for you. We take refuge in the fact that we have the power to do so.  You have to do the work yourself.  Addiction is not your fault. Addicts have just developed a strategy for living that no longer works. We have become caught up in a habitual cycle that leaves us in a state of suffering and confusion.

https://refugerecovery.org/about#toggle-id-8

 

Refuge Recovery is grounded in the belief

Tennessee Williams, F Scott Fitzgerald, Hemingway, Cheever, Carver, Berryman… Six giants of American literature – and all addicted to alcohol. In an edited extract from her new book, The Trip to Echo Spring, Olivia Laing looks at the link between writers and the bottle.
(Editor’s Note: This article has been shortened for reading time. To view original article: https://www.theguardian.com/books/2013/jul/28/what-drives-writers-to-drink-echo-spring-extract

In the small hours of 25 February 1983, the playwright Tennessee Williams died in his suite at the Elysée, a small, pleasant hotel on the outskirts of the Theatre District in New York City. He was 71: unhappy, a little underweight, addicted to drugs and alcohol and paranoid sometimes to the point of delirium. 

The next day, the New York Times ran an obituary claiming him as “the most important American playwright after Eugene O’Neill”, though it had been two decades since his last successful play.

He was also a kind, generous, hard-working man, who rose at dawn almost every morning of his life, sitting down at his typewriter with a cup of black coffee to produce what would amount to well over 100 short stories and plays.

At the same time, he was a lonely, depressed alcoholic who managed by degrees to isolate himself from almost everyone he loved. 

Things got worse in 1963, when Williams’s long-term partner Frank Merlo, nicknamed the Little Horse, died of lung cancer. After that, he was far gone and out, barely perpendicular against the current, buoyed on a diet of coffee, liquor, barbiturates and speed.

Hardly any wonder he found speech difficult, or kept toppling over in bars, theatres and hotels. Each year he put on a new play, and each year it failed, rarely lasting a month before it closed.

Two years before he died, Williams was interviewed in the Paris Review. He talked about his work and the people he had known, and he touched too, a little disingenuously, on the role of alcohol in his life, saying: “O’Neill had a terrible problem with alcohol. Most writers do. American writers nearly all have problems with alcohol because there’s a great deal of tension involved in writing, you know that. And it’s all right up to a certain age, and then you begin to need a little nervous support that you get from drinking.”

Tennessee Williams
Tennessee Williams sitting in a bar in Turkey, c1948. He was plagued by depression and self-loathing, and yet produced some of the great American plays. Williams fought his alcohol addiction all his life. Photograph: Hulton Archive/Getty Images

While not all of this statement is wholly to be believed, it’s true that Williams was by no means the only alcoholic writer in America, or anywhere else for that matter. Ernest Hemingway. F Scott Fitzgerald. William Faulkner. John Cheever. Patricia Highsmith. Truman Capote. Dylan Thomas. Jack London. Marguerite Duras. Elizabeth Bishop. Jean Rhys. Hart Crane.

These are among the greatest writers of our age, and yet, like Williams, their addiction to alcohol damaged their creativity, ravaged their relationships and drove many of them to death.

 Discussing Edgar Allan Poe, Baudelaire once commented that alcohol had become a weapon “to kill something inside himself, a worm that would not die”. In his introduction to Recovery, the posthumously published novel of the poet John Berryman, Saul Bellow observed: “Inspiration contained a death threat. He would, as he wrote the things he had waited and prayed for, fall apart. Drink was a stabiliser. It somewhat reduced the fatal intensity.”

In Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, Williams explains the desire even more succinctly. Towards the end of the play, Brick, the former football hero, tells his father that he needs to keep drinking until he hears “the click…This click that I get in my head that makes me peaceful. I got to drink till I get it.” Horrified, Big Daddy grabs his son’s shoulders, exclaiming: “Why boy, you’re alcoholic.”

Most of the previously mentioned writers died in middle age, and the deaths that weren’t suicides tended to be directly related to the years of hard and hectic living. At times, all tried in varying degrees to give up alcohol but only two succeeded, late in life, in becoming permanently dry.

These sound like tragic lives, the lives of wastrels or dissolutes, and yet these six men – Tennessee Williams, Ernest Hemingway, F Scott Fitzgerald, John Cheever, John Berryman and Raymond Carver – produced between them some of the most beautiful writing this world has ever seen.

I wanted to know how their writing and drinking had intertwined, and so in 2011 I took a trip across America. Over the course of a month I travelled by plane and train across the country, drifting from New York to New Orleans, Key West, St Paul and Port Angeles.

I chose these places because they seemed to serve as staging posts, in which the successive phases of alcohol addiction had been acted out. By travelling through them in sequence, I thought it might be possible to build a kind of topographical map of alcoholism, tracing its developing contours from the pleasures of intoxication through to the gruelling realities of the drying-out process.

Tom had been a sickly, delicate boy, and as a teenager began to suffer the panic attacks that would dog him until the very last days of his life. At first he used to self-medicate by pacing the streets of St Louis or swimming frantic lengths in a nearby pool. But as he grew older and moved to New York, sex and alcohol became his preferred methods of managing stress.

In his autobiography, Memoirs, he remembered how after drinking wine “you felt as if a new kind of blood had been transfused into your arteries, a blood that swept away all anxiety and all tension for a while, and for a while is the stuff that dreams are made of”.

Short-story master John Cheever in 1975, which was the year he was admitted to a treatment centre and afterwards declared: ‘I came out 20lb lighter and howling with pleasure.’ He never drank again and died of cancer in 1982. Photograph: Bernard Gotfryd/Getty Images

He was by no means the only writer who used alcohol in this way. The same trick was employed by John Cheever, one of the greatest short-story writers of his or any century. Cheever fascinated me because he was, in common with many alcoholics, a helpless mixture of fraudulence and honesty. 

Cheever couldn’t shake the sense of (as seeing himself as) being an impostor (artiste) among the middle classes. Writers, even the most socially gifted and established, must be outsiders of some sort, if only because their job is that of scrutiniser and witness. All the same, Cheever’s sense of double-dealing seems to have run unusually deep.

Who wouldn’t drink in a situation like that, to ease the pressure of maintaining such intricately folded double lives? He’d been hitting it hard since he first arrived in New York, back in 1943. Even in the depths of poverty he managed to find funds for nights that might, head-splittingly, take in a dozen Manhattans or a quart apiece of whiskey.  

Alcohol was an essential ingredient of Cheever’s ideal of a cultured life, one of those rites whose correct assumption could protect him from the persistent shadows of inferiority and shame.

Instead, it did just the opposite. By the late 1950s, Cheever was using the word alcoholism to describe his behaviour, writing grimly: “In the morning I am deeply depressed, my insides barely function, my kidney is painful, my hands shake, and walking down Madison Avenue I am in fear of death. But evening comes or even noon and some combination of nervous tensions obscures my memories of what whiskey costs me in the way of physical and intellectual wellbeing. I could very easily destroy myself. It is 10 o’clock now and I am thinking of the noontime snort.”

In order to understand how an intelligent man could get himself into such a dire situation, it’s necessary to understand what a glass of champagne or shot of scotch does to the human body.

 Alcohol is both an intoxicant and a central nervous depressant, with an immensely complex effect upon the brain. A single drink brings about a surge of euphoria, followed by a diminishment in fear and agitation caused by a reduction in brain activity. Everyone experiences these effects, and they are the reason alcohol is such a pleasurable drug; the reason why, despite my history, I too love to drink.

But if the drinking is habitual, the brain begins to compensate for these calming effects by producing an increase in excitatory neurotransmitters. What this means in practice is that when one stops drinking, even for a day or two, the increased activity manifests itself by way of an eruption of anxiety, more severe than anything that came before. This neuroadaptation is what drives addiction in the susceptible, eventually making the drinker require alcohol in order to function at all.

As it gathers momentum, alcohol addiction inevitably affects the drinker, visibly damaging the architecture of their life.

Not everyone who drinks, of course, becomes an alcoholic. The disease, which exists in all quarters of the world, is caused by an intricate mosaic of factors, among them genetic predisposition, early life experience and social influences.  Jobs are lost. Relationships spoil. There may be accidents, arrests and injuries, or the drinker may simply become increasingly neglectful of their responsibilities and capacity to provide self-care.

Conditions associated with long-term alcoholism include hepatitis, cirrhosis, gastritis, heart disease, hypertension, impotence, infertility, various types of cancer, increased susceptibility to infection, sleep disorders, loss of memory and personality changes caused by damage to the brain. More stress, of course: to be drowned out in turn by drink after drink after drink.

F.Scott Fitzgerald and his wife Zelda

This is where the black stories start. This is where you find the bloated, feuding Hemingway of the later years, his liver so swollen it protruded from his gut like a long leech. This is where you find F Scott Fitzgerald, washed up in Baltimore in the mid-1930s, his wife in an asylum, writing bad stories drunk and crashing his car into town buildings. And this is where you find the poet John Berryman, esteemed professor, breaking his bones and vomiting in strangers’ cars.

I hate these stories. They’re true and they’re also untrue, and profoundly distorting. What I discovered as I travelled was how ambiguous and contradictory the issue of writers and alcohol really is. On the one hand, there’s dissolution and degradation, and on the other there’s dogged labour, compulsive honesty and the production of enduring art.

Reading Tennessee Williams’s diaries while he was writing Cat on a Hot Tin Roof reveals a man in crisis, so profoundly addicted to alcohol that he carried a flask of whiskey wherever he went. And yet the play he produced is a miracle of truth-telling. It seems impossible that in the midst of such confusion and self-harm,

Williams was able to produce a play like Cat, with its uncompromising portrayal of the drinker’s urge to evade reality. And yet he retained in some unobliterated part of himself the necessary clarity to set down on paper a portrait of the self-deceiving nature of the alcoholic.

He was not the only one, by any means. From Berryman’s Dream Songs to Fitzgerald’s Tender Is the Night and Hemingway’s For Whom the Bell Tolls, there exist dozens of works of art in which an alcoholic writer reflects on their own disease; a disease, furthermore, that is hallmarked by distortions in thinking, particularly denial.

When I travelled to Key West to visit Hemingway’s house, I kept thinking in particular about a line in For Whom the Bell Tolls that compares alcoholism to “a deadly wheel… it is the thing that drunkards and those who are truly mean or cruel ride until they die.”

These stories weigh on me, and yet an alcoholic can stop drinking.

 I knew it from my own childhood, and I knew it from my reading. My mother’s ex-partner got dry at a treatment centre she still describes as a hellhole, and came back into our lives sober. John Cheever also managed it. “I came out of prison 20 pounds lighter and howling with pleasure.”

The writer whose sobriety most interested me, however, was Raymond Carver. I’d come across his poems long ago, and been struck by the praiseful way he wrote about his second life: the one in which alcohol was no longer the dominating force.

It’s almost impossible to overestimate the hardship of Carver’s early adulthood, in which he struggled to educate himself and get food on the table while stealing every spare minute in which to write. In such straitened circumstances, it’s not difficult to understand why alcohol might have begun to seem like an ally, or else a key to a locked door.

There’s no doubt the odds were stacked against him; but nor is there much doubt that he became, six days out of seven, his own worst enemy. The things Carver did seem so senselessly self-destructive. One Raymond – Good Raymond, I suppose – would get on to a master’s programme, or find a decent job, and the other Raymond, the perverse, malevolent one, would somehow conspire to mess it up. 

At the same time he was unreliable, paranoid and violent; by his own description a bankrupt, a cheat, a thief and a liar. As for creativity, as he approached the height of his drinking he could barely write at all.

In 1976 he checked into Duffy’s, a private treatment centre in Napa. Unsurprisingly, he was back again weeks later, checking himself in on New Year’s Eve. It was his last pass through formal treatment. That spring he left his family and rented a house alone, overlooking the Pacific. For the next few months he went to AA meetings and tried, not always successfully, to maintain his balance on the wagon.

Slowly, over the next two years, he backed away from his family, whose ongoing troubles he felt certain were capable of scuttling his recovery. For a while he barely wrote, and then the new stories started coming; stories infused with “little human connections”; stories he’d “come back from the grave” to write. 

 Carver once said he didn’t believe in God, “but I have to believe in miracles and the possibility of resurrection. No question about that. Every day that I wake up, I’m glad to wake up.”

I stood by (Carver’s) grave for a long time, thinking about alcohol, and the trouble it brings. There’s a saying in AA that addiction isn’t your fault but recovery is your responsibility.

It sounds simple enough but making that step is about as easy as standing up and dancing on a sheet of black ice. In Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, Brick says to his dying father: “It’s hard for me to understand how anybody could care if he lived or died or was dying or cared about anything but whether or not there was liquor left in the bottle.”

Imagine feeling like that. And then imagine sitting down at your typewriter every morning, day after day, year after year. It was Cheever’s words I thought of then. In 1969, when he was still in the thickets of his own addiction, he was asked if he felt godlike at the typewriter.

What he answered seemed to me to sum up the ambiguity of writers and alcoholism, the difficulty of passing judgment on lives at once so troubled and so blessed. “No, I’ve never felt godlike,” he said. “No, the sense is of one’s total usefulness. We all have a power of control, it’s part of our lives: we have it in love, in work that we love doing. It’s a sense of ecstasy, as simple as that… In short, you’ve made sense of your life.”

© Olivia Laing. This is an edited extract from The Trip to Echo Spring, published by Canongate

 

Tennessee Williams, F Scott Fitzgerald, Hemingway, Cheever,

Hell no and Heaven Yes!!!  I may learn every aspect of life the hard way, but if I may…it’s absolutely, positively, a part of my D.N.A.

by Contently Bent

In the grips of a Demanding alter ego, I go blow for blow in the inevitable battle for self-destruction and self-preservation.

Brain waves crushing, the ways of one’s mental state, that hesitates to leave me alone. Broken bones mend the gap created when one’s true self is underrated and under attack.  Faded, past tense words stated by the enemy’s relevant Mantra Kill or be killed.

Dying ideas spills into my mind, creating subconscious standpoints, as another man points, in a direction he’ll never find. Was i kind? Doubtfully hence the fact I listened to multiple misguided interpretations of the right ways. 

Contaminated and defined by this so called disease, I beg and plea to be released from this assumed self inflicted barbaric torture. Bewildered by the omnipotent struggle, I Wonder is any of this actually self-inflicted, or  is it a twisted metaphor of one’s spiritual state. I too agree with the complex argument that states its not me. So my  fate rest in faith in the one that I was told created me? Or belated me and my well being.

Perplexed by in depth conversations had with no words. This is where the devil lives lavishly creating thoughts, evil and absurd. The pure nature of the Beast is the Beast at least when I’m at my least.

Alive and deceased stuck in the crease of the misguided fate of my DNA. Exact replicas of my hated diabolical biologicals, I swore I’d never become. How come?  So from conception, instant deception of what awaits. So I would spend 30 years in tears overwhelmed and consumed by a tangled web of unaddressed fear.  The devil stands corrected, neglected by his own misconception of how I’ll remain injected and unprotected.

Unbeknownst and unannounced, the battle remains insanely the same. Until the decision is made, to get up and give up. Really my will, how will I ever trust again? The unmentioned self-proclaimed intentions fade like smoke from the barrel of a gun.

I’m going to argue the fact that I can’t taste touch see feel or smell you as of now. Is it true that you exist or are you the infamous allegory of a grandiose myth. On the flip side I can taste touch smell and dwell in the  evil one’s presence. Is this the dis-ease of my disease.

So I’m begging please, release me  of the demons that run through the very blood that keeps me alive, or give me peace from the madness and let me die…? Hell no and Heaven Yes!!! I may learn every aspect of life the hard way, but if I may… It’s absolutely, positively, a part of my D.N.A.

    To all my loved ones…. Don’t give up on me please. As a matter of fact, we should never give up on anyone!!!  So if you recieved this just know that I love and appreciate you all so much and I’m determined to achieve sobriety!

Hell no and Heaven Yes!!!  I