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Poetry

Addiction you stole from me

You hid so well from me
Through kids eyes I couldn’t see
But I felt the depth of something heavy
Unsure what the case might be,
What causes my mum to struggle much more than normally
Addiction you meant nothing to me!

Addiction you stole from me
My innocent out look went too early
The safety of our family
You took her oh so slowly
You took my sisters childhood brutally
Addiction you meant nothing to me

Addiction you stole from me
Childhood innocence ripped away
Father and mother left that day
Respect for adults lost in every way
Finally addiction you meant everything to me, if only we seen you creep in that day, too late, our souls were taken away
You seen her weakness, you had your prey
You took our person, left us a shell! And left all of us to go through hell

Addiction you gave to me
a life sentence to carry, The hurt, the pain, that path carrying all that trauma and all them chains watching your loved one battle over and over again
But yet you learn you can’t help, just hope they are strong enuf to take the reigns and try and out run all their pain
I hope no one ever has to say addiction you took my loved one away!

Addiction has no preference or defining factors
Of who to consume and leave in tatters
No one should judge, Laugh or point savagely
Because you’re a small minority to be lucky enough where addiction isn’t invaded any part of your family!!
So my message to all and one I will leave happily
If you want to make a massive change and help humanity
All you have to do is go home and pour love into your family!
So that no addictions will creep in through a crack in a damaged souls armoury!
So even when life side swipes unexpectedly  the love you poured in over the years might just be enough to hold back that soul destroying entity!
And  no matter the love sometimes a soul been broken and can’t be repaired..

Addiction then strips there victim bare,
Takes their dignity, self respect and morals
But yet doesn’t stop there
slowly and surely will leave you with nothing and no one, still it isn’t done
Now I have finished my life sentences with my mum,
Addiction please leave me and my loved alone
to mend a life time of broken hearts,
You got what you wanted a family in parts
A broken lost soul who gave everything away
To keep contact with you in any way

It’s here addiction won’t let you go until you have given all of your body and all of your  soul.
That’s why we had to bury our mummy you wouldn’t let go until she was gone from us completely
Good bye addiction I can finally say
The carnage the hurt the rage I now face
Is all I have left where a mother should be placed

They say addiction takes hold like being possessed
A hard fight to fight and a fight lost by the best of the best
It’s grip so strong you can’t catch your breath!
But I see you different
I value you less
I am much less impressed
All I see is a blood sucking leech he
Who feeds on all society’s most vulnerable and lost

So I don’t think your as scary as the poison you inject in your victims heads
I think your a coward that can only feed on a soul who is already half dead, with no fight in their soul, it’s a hurtful road ahead
For a weak soul will be a broken seed
It’s in them broken cracks
The virus seps
Bit by bit
Day by day it steals away
The strength in you, there’s no running away!

I see no strength in you
The strong don’t pray on the vulnerable and weak.
The weakest, injured souls is who you seek
A vulture, a rat, feeding on what’s left of the poor souls that where once fully intact!

God love the next poor family that comes across you
not knowing
the damage and the trauma that surrounds you

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Addiction you stole from me You hid so

Personal Journeys, Poetry

Embetween memories and thoughts of defeati rack lines on this mirror stuck in DisbeliefWhat have i becomei marvel rathen than ponder on who i am today a toxic routine planted roots every morning i toss a seed another takes its place its hard to live as empty as i feel today i know the sun sets differently when i pray i atill live in shame its obvious i cant snort this pain away tommorrow is another day when i wake ill pray for a sober breath instead of another action of disgust

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Embetween memories and thoughts of defeati rack

Poetry

a simple ritual
– for mary

A simple ritual that makes
it go away.
its just a simple ritual.
i take the thought
and put it between
two slices of rye bread
i add swiss cheese
and yellow mustard
with the thought

i see the crazy thing
poking through
the holes in the cheese
then i sat at the
calm kitchen table
with the thought in my hands,
and i eat it.

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a simple ritual - for mary A simple ritual

Poetry

MY JOURNEY THROUGH ADDICTION
In my addiction, I was a liar.
My only goal then was how to get higher.
Numbing out thoughts and ‘passing the buck,’
Beaten and bruised, and clear out of luck.
Hurting all those who once loved me most
And borrowing cash from coast to coast.
While abandoning morals and losing all pride,
Shame and regret’s all I felt deep inside.
My job and my husband just got in the way,
‘Cause both had stopped giving me money to play.
Got arrested, molested, then lived at the Six.
(Went to such shameful lengths to get my next fix).
Unable to sleep, just stayed on my feet,
Stealing and wheeling and dealing *repeat.*
Excuses, abuses, I just didn’t care.
Self-loathing and cutting sure got me nowhere.
Now a shell of the outgoing girl I once was
(Well, I threw her away for a ten-minute buzz).
No, family, no friends, no money for drugs,
Just sketchy motels and hanging with thugs.
No motivation, no pride, no reprieve.
“I’m better off dead!” I came to believe.
Shattered and broken, I dropped to my knees,
Looked upwards and cried, “Dear Lord, help me please!
I’m done, I give in. I just tired and spent!”
And before I realized it, I began to repent.
“Please show me the way, please give me a sign!”
I waited and wondered if there was still time.
I then heard some voices so I turned and found
About five or six people just standing around.
Their faces looked bright, and they spoke with such ease
Like my friends and I did, before this disease.
Filtering inside the church one-by-one,
I wanted so badly to join in their fun.
Where were they going? To Church? Now? Mid-week?
Still, they seemed to have all the things that I seek.
Next, what I saw, just left me mind-blown…
The church-window sign read “You’re no longer alone.”
I lost it, I bawled, for my sign … was a sign!
And from that moment on, I just knew I’d be fine.
I found myself creeping towards the church door
(Two A’s side by side assured me once more).
“Hey there, I’m Steve, take a load off, come in!”
(I doubt they’d be smiling if they’d knew where I’d been,
And all the people I’ve hurt, all the bad things I’ve done,
And why, just to escape this thing I’d become?)
So, o’er the next hour they spoke of their past.
Their story was mine….was I home at long last?
They shared from the Big Book and explained the twelve steps.
For sobriety, was I willing to go to such depths?
YES! It was worth anything I had in me to give.
Tired of just getting by, I now wanted to live!
So I took a deep breath, no longer melancholic
I said “Hi my name is Tracy. I’m an addict and alcoholic”
July 17, 2023

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MY JOURNEY THROUGH ADDICTION In my addiction, I

Poetry

My Good Friend Tina

I love to watch the crystal melt from a solid to liquid gold
The smoke, it swirls and dances free; wish I could be so bold
She hits my lungs, then veins, then heart and quickly takes effect
My pupils large, as she takes charge of this high, willing subject
I press the gas, perhaps too fast and my thoughts pick up in pace
Worries and fears and emotionless tears and no concept of time or space
An hour goes by, I’m still in the same spot, clenched muscles now achy and sore
With spasms and ticks added into the mix, I reach over and smoke some more
I barely get by on this dopamine high yet remain unfocussed and dazed
My brain cells recede as I pick and I bleed, only mildly aware, but not phased
The addict in me chooses this misery over seeing my family or friends
She rules all my time and she takes my last dime and not once has e’er made amends

4/10/2023 (2 weeks before treatment for crystal meth addiction)

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My Good Friend Tina I love to watch

Poetry

Working in Addiction
I can’t be that bad, I still have a job,
I answer the phone and don’t look like a slob.
I shower each day and I’m often on time,
And besides, no one knows, so I guess that I’m fine.
But inside my head, my thoughts swirl like fire.
If only they knew what it was I desire?
With a fake smile on, I appear to fit in,
But I don’t feel at home within my own skin.
It takes all I’ve got just to get through the day,
I’m running on fumes despite what I convey.
I’m a slave to the bottle and I’m dying inside.
‘Don’t you dare tell a soul!’ says my ego and pride.
How did this happen? I once had it all!
I laughed, I had friends, back then life was a ball.
But all the bad stuff that I ever went through
Was pushed so far down and kept secret from you.
I wouldn’t let myself cry or feel any trauma,
I just auto-piloted through being a wife and a Momma.
But soon even that wasn’t enough to conceal
The flashbacks and pain that were becoming too real.
But alas alcohol could keep me on track,
(It was nice to know something at least had my back!)
Used to drink just on weekends while hanging with friends,
But in no time the means did not lead to the ends.
I drank more and more, both in frequency and amount
Soon my number of friends, on one hand I could count.
And my job is now hanging on by a tiny thread,
My weekends are spent hung over in bed.
Everything’s spiraling out of control,
And keeping my job was my only goal,
But I sit at my desk and I stare at the screen
Then nip to the washroom, afraid to be seen
I take a quick sip for a moment’s relief
But even that moment gets more and more brief.
I still have a job, so I’m under control
Now please go away while I try and act whole
May 2, 2024

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Working in Addiction I can’t be that bad,

Poetry

Beyond the High

One says that clear head leads to good life led
but a habit of getting right sabotages a clean mind,

process of detoxing a poisoned body
struggling to tolerate withdrawal and stay alive.

the sweats, shakes and stomach aches,
what is real and what is fantasy so blended.

Dancing with death, controlled by deep pain,
living in illusions until the brain is mended.

the high…

and when did living life stop being enough?
intoxication just road blocks and hand cuffs.

So embrace the possibilities of thinking,, laughing, dreaming,
sweet sunshine, warm embrace, living life with real meaning.

to be alive, to be present, to exist with mind clear
acting from the heart, love realized, inner spirit finally set free.

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Beyond the High One says that clear head

Personal Journeys, Poetry

The bitter taste of serenity
The pleasure of my guilt
The loneliness of peace
The paradise I have built

The weeks feel like days
The years feel like months
Occasions turn irrelevant
Relationships turn blunt

I watch my whole world Crumble
My conscience is not phased
I definitely don’t need therapy
Don’t tell me that I’m crazed

Next week will be different
The lies I tell myself
Addiction is a mind set
I fucking hate myself

The mind a temple
But temples they can fall
It’s time to kick the habit
Or the habit will take it all

The path that I am walking
I feel I am alone
I have no one to talk to
I have no place at home

I scream out loud for help
But only I can hear
If you could see inside my mind
You’d likely shed a tear

And as the days go on
It seems to last much longer
Reality is a fantasy
It’s grip is getting stronger

So as these words conclude
Be weary where you tread
Your love could be the difference
Of Wether I’m alive or dead

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The bitter taste of serenity The pleasure of

Poetry

Rock Bottom

What is rock bottom?
You are lucky if you have to ask.

Stuck in a pit, standing on wet, jagged stones
painfully piercing the soles of spent Chuck Taylors,
.
Yet feeling something is preferrable to feeling invisible
like when one’s whole life is disappearing
as death dances with life in the form of addiction.

Ride the dragon, stuck on getting right,
one’s life tumbles, crumbles all around
smokey rooms and nodding out,
and getting right morphs to fright when coming down.

Chase the dragon but fail to catch up,
withdrawal comes knocking,
jonesing for one last fix, but more always follow,
hard to stay the course when recovery cam move slow.

Release the dragon, strive to heal,.
fake faith helps guide the non-spiritual,
who boldly repeat foxhole prayers,
looking for miracles on which they believe so little.

Ride out the pain, let go of shame
unloosen the chain of addiction untamed
getting clean almost attained,
when sobriety arrives and guides the way,
levitating above rock bottom haze,
detoxed, rehabbed, and once more safe.

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Rock Bottom What is rock bottom? You are lucky

Personal Journeys, Poetry

Guess it’s been a dark ride here, Cause I’m not sure where I’ve been. I got lost in all the chaos When the bottle sucked me in. From there it was just a dream, An illusion of what was not, And when I was lost the most Is when the bottle hit its spot. Lookin’ out from the inside, I watch as the world goes by. It seems so all together, But I’m not and I wonder why. What’s the difference between us That some seem to find the way Past a bottle of empty promises And hope of a better day. Lord; help me get out of here, It’s a dark place and I’m alone. The only thing that’s real at all Are memories of love and home. This is nowhere I wanna be, But I’m here all the time, Thinkin’ back to those sweet days When feelin’ good meant feelin’ fine.

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Guess it’s been a dark ride here,