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MY JOURNEY THROUGH ADDICTION
In my addiction, I was a liar.
My only goal then was how to get higher.
Numbing out thoughts and ‘passing the buck,’
Beaten and bruised, and clear out of luck.
Hurting all those who once loved me most
And borrowing cash from coast to coast.
While abandoning morals and losing all pride,
Shame and regret’s all I felt deep inside.
My job and my husband just got in the way,
‘Cause both had stopped giving me money to play.
Got arrested, molested, then lived at the Six.
(Went to such shameful lengths to get my next fix).
Unable to sleep, just stayed on my feet,
Stealing and wheeling and dealing *repeat.*
Excuses, abuses, I just didn’t care.
Self-loathing and cutting sure got me nowhere.
Now a shell of the outgoing girl I once was
(Well, I threw her away for a ten-minute buzz).
No, family, no friends, no money for drugs,
Just sketchy motels and hanging with thugs.
No motivation, no pride, no reprieve.
“I’m better off dead!” I came to believe.
Shattered and broken, I dropped to my knees,
Looked upwards and cried, “Dear Lord, help me please!
I’m done, I give in. I just tired and spent!”
And before I realized it, I began to repent.
“Please show me the way, please give me a sign!”
I waited and wondered if there was still time.
I then heard some voices so I turned and found
About five or six people just standing around.
Their faces looked bright, and they spoke with such ease
Like my friends and I did, before this disease.
Filtering inside the church one-by-one,
I wanted so badly to join in their fun.
Where were they going? To Church? Now? Mid-week?
Still, they seemed to have all the things that I seek.
Next, what I saw, just left me mind-blown…
The church-window sign read “You’re no longer alone.”
I lost it, I bawled, for my sign … was a sign!
And from that moment on, I just knew I’d be fine.
I found myself creeping towards the church door
(Two A’s side by side assured me once more).
“Hey there, I’m Steve, take a load off, come in!”
(I doubt they’d be smiling if they’d knew where I’d been,
And all the people I’ve hurt, all the bad things I’ve done,
And why, just to escape this thing I’d become?)
So, o’er the next hour they spoke of their past.
Their story was mine….was I home at long last?
They shared from the Big Book and explained the twelve steps.
For sobriety, was I willing to go to such depths?
YES! It was worth anything I had in me to give.
Tired of just getting by, I now wanted to live!
So I took a deep breath, no longer melancholic
I said “Hi my name is Tracy. I’m an addict and alcoholic”
July 17, 2023

MY JOURNEY THROUGH ADDICTION In my addiction, I

My Good Friend Tina

I love to watch the crystal melt from a solid to liquid gold
The smoke, it swirls and dances free; wish I could be so bold
She hits my lungs, then veins, then heart and quickly takes effect
My pupils large, as she takes charge of this high, willing subject
I press the gas, perhaps too fast and my thoughts pick up in pace
Worries and fears and emotionless tears and no concept of time or space
An hour goes by, I’m still in the same spot, clenched muscles now achy and sore
With spasms and ticks added into the mix, I reach over and smoke some more
I barely get by on this dopamine high yet remain unfocussed and dazed
My brain cells recede as I pick and I bleed, only mildly aware, but not phased
The addict in me chooses this misery over seeing my family or friends
She rules all my time and she takes my last dime and not once has e’er made amends

4/10/2023 (2 weeks before treatment for crystal meth addiction)

My Good Friend Tina I love to watch

Working in Addiction
I can’t be that bad, I still have a job,
I answer the phone and don’t look like a slob.
I shower each day and I’m often on time,
And besides, no one knows, so I guess that I’m fine.
But inside my head, my thoughts swirl like fire.
If only they knew what it was I desire?
With a fake smile on, I appear to fit in,
But I don’t feel at home within my own skin.
It takes all I’ve got just to get through the day,
I’m running on fumes despite what I convey.
I’m a slave to the bottle and I’m dying inside.
‘Don’t you dare tell a soul!’ says my ego and pride.
How did this happen? I once had it all!
I laughed, I had friends, back then life was a ball.
But all the bad stuff that I ever went through
Was pushed so far down and kept secret from you.
I wouldn’t let myself cry or feel any trauma,
I just auto-piloted through being a wife and a Momma.
But soon even that wasn’t enough to conceal
The flashbacks and pain that were becoming too real.
But alas alcohol could keep me on track,
(It was nice to know something at least had my back!)
Used to drink just on weekends while hanging with friends,
But in no time the means did not lead to the ends.
I drank more and more, both in frequency and amount
Soon my number of friends, on one hand I could count.
And my job is now hanging on by a tiny thread,
My weekends are spent hung over in bed.
Everything’s spiraling out of control,
And keeping my job was my only goal,
But I sit at my desk and I stare at the screen
Then nip to the washroom, afraid to be seen
I take a quick sip for a moment’s relief
But even that moment gets more and more brief.
I still have a job, so I’m under control
Now please go away while I try and act whole
May 2, 2024

Working in Addiction I can’t be that bad,

Beyond the High

One says that clear head leads to good life led
but a habit of getting right sabotages a clean mind,

process of detoxing a poisoned body
struggling to tolerate withdrawal and stay alive.

the sweats, shakes and stomach aches,
what is real and what is fantasy so blended.

Dancing with death, controlled by deep pain,
living in illusions until the brain is mended.

the high…

and when did living life stop being enough?
intoxication just road blocks and hand cuffs.

So embrace the possibilities of thinking,, laughing, dreaming,
sweet sunshine, warm embrace, living life with real meaning.

to be alive, to be present, to exist with mind clear
acting from the heart, love realized, inner spirit finally set free.

Beyond the High One says that clear head

The bitter taste of serenity
The pleasure of my guilt
The loneliness of peace
The paradise I have built

The weeks feel like days
The years feel like months
Occasions turn irrelevant
Relationships turn blunt

I watch my whole world Crumble
My conscience is not phased
I definitely don’t need therapy
Don’t tell me that I’m crazed

Next week will be different
The lies I tell myself
Addiction is a mind set
I fucking hate myself

The mind a temple
But temples they can fall
It’s time to kick the habit
Or the habit will take it all

The path that I am walking
I feel I am alone
I have no one to talk to
I have no place at home

I scream out loud for help
But only I can hear
If you could see inside my mind
You’d likely shed a tear

And as the days go on
It seems to last much longer
Reality is a fantasy
It’s grip is getting stronger

So as these words conclude
Be weary where you tread
Your love could be the difference
Of Wether I’m alive or dead

The bitter taste of serenity The pleasure of

Rock Bottom

What is rock bottom?
You are lucky if you have to ask.

Stuck in a pit, standing on wet, jagged stones
painfully piercing the soles of spent Chuck Taylors,
.
Yet feeling something is preferrable to feeling invisible
like when one’s whole life is disappearing
as death dances with life in the form of addiction.

Ride the dragon, stuck on getting right,
one’s life tumbles, crumbles all around
smokey rooms and nodding out,
and getting right morphs to fright when coming down.

Chase the dragon but fail to catch up,
withdrawal comes knocking,
jonesing for one last fix, but more always follow,
hard to stay the course when recovery cam move slow.

Release the dragon, strive to heal,.
fake faith helps guide the non-spiritual,
who boldly repeat foxhole prayers,
looking for miracles on which they believe so little.

Ride out the pain, let go of shame
unloosen the chain of addiction untamed
getting clean almost attained,
when sobriety arrives and guides the way,
levitating above rock bottom haze,
detoxed, rehabbed, and once more safe.

Rock Bottom What is rock bottom? You are lucky

Guess it’s been a dark ride here, Cause I’m not sure where I’ve been. I got lost in all the chaos When the bottle sucked me in. From there it was just a dream, An illusion of what was not, And when I was lost the most Is when the bottle hit its spot. Lookin’ out from the inside, I watch as the world goes by. It seems so all together, But I’m not and I wonder why. What’s the difference between us That some seem to find the way Past a bottle of empty promises And hope of a better day. Lord; help me get out of here, It’s a dark place and I’m alone. The only thing that’s real at all Are memories of love and home. This is nowhere I wanna be, But I’m here all the time, Thinkin’ back to those sweet days When feelin’ good meant feelin’ fine.

Guess it’s been a dark ride here,

Dear Alcohol,
Its time to say goodbye you duplicitous thief. We’ve had some great times man, no doubt about it. You just couldn’t stand to be in the background could you? Always fighting for the spotlight. Mr. Centerstage couldn’t just be a fun addition to the party, you had to make sure it was all eyes on you. Always showing off how strong you are, taking control of every situation, manipulating every emotion to lead right back to you. The Narcissist in a bottle, the Sociopath in a can, the Courageous Facade in a glass, consistent if nothing else. The time has come to part ways. You have overstayed your welcome and have begun to cause discord in my life. “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man I put the ways of a child behind me” (1 Corinthians 13:11). As the man of my house I have no room or time for your immaturity, your ever daunting recklessness, or your hidden agendas. The harm you have done to me and mine is insurmountable, the things you have done to me are detestable, but you know what? I forgive you. They say holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. I hold no grudge against you and you were my poison, so I guess you could call that two birds with one stone Big Dog. I’d like to say I’m gonna miss you but that’s the beauty of an ugly break up isn’t it? You never want to see the other person again. So this is it, bye-dios bro. You almost took me with you too but you forgot one thing… I GOT THAT DOG IN ME.

Later Hater.

J.R.I.

Dear Alcohol, Its time to say goodbye you

at 3:46am near light rail station on main & dobson

none of us has much of a past anymore
for that matter not much of a future
the streets are not something that you are ever on the streets are on you
they mark your dirty skinny
needing a shower
just always a little something missing
in the way you are dressed
the way your eyes move around the room
and of course there is always something missing from your story
why you have a college education
and don’t have a job why you don’t have a credit card or a number to be called back at
why are you a ghost
you don’t have an answer for why you are checking in to this hotel at 3am
and your ID says you are from the same city
you don’t have an answer for why you aren’t tired
for why you aren’t hungry in the morning
for the why you are so pretty and still single
why don’t you have any children
why are you a ghost
the streets are alive at least
they are always pushing you herding you
they keep you moving all the time
no place to rest
where someone isn’t staring at you
maybe to call the cops maybe to steal from you
maybe because you aren’t supposed to be here
the streets are the only home you will ever have where you will never ever belong.

at 3:46am near light rail station on

Remember me?
We met at a party.
When I was much younger:
You were my best friends.
Always there to lift my up.
Always there to make me laugh.
Always there to help me not care, Nor to cry.
I was always the life of the party.
You numbed me from reality.
From the hurt, and pain inside.
You made me forget the bad, and only think of you.
You and the good you came with.
Or so I thought.
Because at the end.
You took more than everything away.you took… me

Remember me? We met at a party. When I