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Poetry

Rock Bottom

What is rock bottom?
You are lucky if you have to ask.

Stuck in a pit, standing on wet, jagged stones
painfully piercing the soles of spent Chuck Taylors,
.
Yet feeling something is preferrable to feeling invisible
like when one’s whole life is disappearing
as death dances with life in the form of addiction.

Ride the dragon, stuck on getting right,
one’s life tumbles, crumbles all around
smokey rooms and nodding out,
and getting right morphs to fright when coming down.

Chase the dragon but fail to catch up,
withdrawal comes knocking,
jonesing for one last fix, but more always follow,
hard to stay the course when recovery cam move slow.

Release the dragon, strive to heal,.
fake faith helps guide the non-spiritual,
who boldly repeat foxhole prayers,
looking for miracles on which they believe so little.

Ride out the pain, let go of shame
unloosen the chain of addiction untamed
getting clean almost attained,
when sobriety arrives and guides the way,
levitating above rock bottom haze,
detoxed, rehabbed, and once more safe.

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Rock Bottom What is rock bottom? You are lucky

Personal Journeys, Poetry

Guess it’s been a dark ride here, Cause I’m not sure where I’ve been. I got lost in all the chaos When the bottle sucked me in. From there it was just a dream, An illusion of what was not, And when I was lost the most Is when the bottle hit its spot. Lookin’ out from the inside, I watch as the world goes by. It seems so all together, But I’m not and I wonder why. What’s the difference between us That some seem to find the way Past a bottle of empty promises And hope of a better day. Lord; help me get out of here, It’s a dark place and I’m alone. The only thing that’s real at all Are memories of love and home. This is nowhere I wanna be, But I’m here all the time, Thinkin’ back to those sweet days When feelin’ good meant feelin’ fine.

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Guess it’s been a dark ride here,

Personal Journeys, Poetry

Dear Alcohol,
Its time to say goodbye you duplicitous thief. We’ve had some great times man, no doubt about it. You just couldn’t stand to be in the background could you? Always fighting for the spotlight. Mr. Centerstage couldn’t just be a fun addition to the party, you had to make sure it was all eyes on you. Always showing off how strong you are, taking control of every situation, manipulating every emotion to lead right back to you. The Narcissist in a bottle, the Sociopath in a can, the Courageous Facade in a glass, consistent if nothing else. The time has come to part ways. You have overstayed your welcome and have begun to cause discord in my life. “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man I put the ways of a child behind me” (1 Corinthians 13:11). As the man of my house I have no room or time for your immaturity, your ever daunting recklessness, or your hidden agendas. The harm you have done to me and mine is insurmountable, the things you have done to me are detestable, but you know what? I forgive you. They say holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. I hold no grudge against you and you were my poison, so I guess you could call that two birds with one stone Big Dog. I’d like to say I’m gonna miss you but that’s the beauty of an ugly break up isn’t it? You never want to see the other person again. So this is it, bye-dios bro. You almost took me with you too but you forgot one thing… I GOT THAT DOG IN ME.

Later Hater.

J.R.I.

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Dear Alcohol, Its time to say goodbye you

Poetry

Life Equation

San Francisco plus
twenty-something
plus romance breakup
equals cocktails.
Margaritas, gin.
New romances
schmucks plus
teaching high school
plus early thirties
bar hopping
independence equals
half a bottle of wine
most nights
sometimes
maybe more.

Subtract San Francisco
add Tucson
age 38 now
minus Tucson
add Davis
now age 40
plus four years
of grad school
add Masters
add PhD
add student loans
add two years
on the job market
tally subtotal
equals
daily drinking.

Subtract California
altogether.
Minus beloved home
plus North Carolina
nosy neighbors
Southern culture
“bless your heart”
fakery and “where’s
your church homes?”
Add years
subtract dear friends
family west coast
connections
add years gallons
and gallons of wine
floating up at times
on rising tides
other times keeping
something deeply
submerged.

Subtotal tally 62.
Add two weeks
in January 2023
another new year
then begin subtracting
liquor. Add days
since last wine
six
add nights
without drink
same six
lay down
pray
then add tomorrow
and tomorrow
and with any luck
tomorrow.

Tally sum
of this equation:
Life minus
liquor equals
a deep night’s
sleep tonight
plus tomorrow
the potential
for peace.

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Life Equation San Francisco plus twenty-something plus romance breakup equals cocktails. Margaritas,

Poetry

Alone

I feel so alone because I am different. There are others like me who are too scared to come out from the dark, afraid they will never be loved or accepted for who they really are. Rippled memories ingrained of being beaten, left heavily injured by other breeds.

I fell into the darkness when my twin flame lay upon the snowy mount, we only had time to whisper
“I love you”.
The loss of my sweet soul raged within me, a sound of thunder, an internal anger that I would never tame alone, or wanted to.
I carried the pain of my angel’s memory and I vowed never to surrender like the others. I fought everyone and everything, including myself.

I wandered alone, a silent wolf, searching for my pack to welcome me home.
I dared to dream, drifting aimlessly through the chill of night, that someday we would sit around the fire and share the call of unity together.
Sensing my lone wandering brothers and sisters near, crippled and twisted induced with an eerie feeling that death is near.

Within the circle, I find the others, feeling the coldness of steel surrounding us. Now caged, we fight between ourselves, the wild instinct raveging our very souls.
The reaper resides within us every day, we feel him from the moment we wake until we lay down. A mist of shadowy distorted figures surrounds, that splinter our vision and taint our sanity. We have become resistant to love.

As I rest with the others that are alone and afraid we now comfort each other. Longing for the ones never to return, aliken to a sense of thunder before the storm.
We look to a power greater than ourselves; we howl to the moonlight in the forest together. Warm and safe just for today, huddled around the fire.
I am home Iam safe and no longer alone.

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Alone I feel so alone because I am

Poetry

at 3:46am near light rail station on main & dobson

none of us has much of a past anymore
for that matter not much of a future
the streets are not something that you are ever on the streets are on you
they mark your dirty skinny
needing a shower
just always a little something missing
in the way you are dressed
the way your eyes move around the room
and of course there is always something missing from your story
why you have a college education
and don’t have a job why you don’t have a credit card or a number to be called back at
why are you a ghost
you don’t have an answer for why you are checking in to this hotel at 3am
and your ID says you are from the same city
you don’t have an answer for why you aren’t tired
for why you aren’t hungry in the morning
for the why you are so pretty and still single
why don’t you have any children
why are you a ghost
the streets are alive at least
they are always pushing you herding you
they keep you moving all the time
no place to rest
where someone isn’t staring at you
maybe to call the cops maybe to steal from you
maybe because you aren’t supposed to be here
the streets are the only home you will ever have where you will never ever belong.

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at 3:46am near light rail station on

Poetry

Im 18 years old now been doing for so long,

Im legally an addict sing me a different song,

Its only at the weekend im like every other man,

I’ll sniff it, smoke it, drink it, take any way i can.

When i get older ill knock it on the head, not like it will effect me or see me end up dead.

Im 21 years old now got my first baby due,

Once little one arrives, i know i will come to.

My daughters 3 years old now its only a weekend treat, i deserve to relax a bit and rest my tired feet.

Moneys getting tight now but its all ok. If 9 to 5 dont pay ill find a different way,

Im making lots of money, im age 25, im selling misery for profit ive never felt so alive.

Im laughing making money but my addiction grows and grows, im sniffing all my profit but that’s just how it goes.

Im 33 years old the last few years have been a mess, i got so far at this point but im starting to regress.

I know longer count my money but only my mistakes, i must kick this habit whatever it takes.

Im in intensive care its no longer just the coke, lost my job and family its no longer a joke.

My head is spinning sidewards i know longer want to live. Everyone is take and ive lost all i can give.

My true friends went a while ago im surrounded by scum, i miss my kids, my wife, i miss my dad and mum.

I overdose on everything i take a chance on death, i long for my end and to take my last sweet breath.

I wake up 2 weeks later my head is clear and true i dont want to die i no longer feel so blue,

Ive been given one more chance in life a miracle well and true,

The life i was living is not for me or you.
Im 18 years old now been doing for so long,

Im legally an addict sing me a different song,

Its only at the weekend im like every other man,

Ill sniff it, smoke it, drink it, take any way i can.

When i get older ill knock it on the head, not like it will effect me or see me end up dead.

Im 21 years old now got my first baby due,

Once little one arrives, i know i will come to.

My daughters 3 years old now its only a weekend treat, i deserve to relax a bit and rest my tired feet.

Moneys getting tight now but its all ok. If 9 to 5 dont pay ill find a different way,

Im making lots of money, im age 25, im selling misery for profit ive never felt so alive.

Im laughing making money but my addiction grows and grows, im sniffing all my profit but that’s just how it goes.

Im 33 years old the last few years have been a mess, i got so far at this point but im starting to regress.

I know longer count my money but only my mistakes, i must kick this habit whatever it takes.

Im in intensive care its no longer just the coke, lost my job and family its no longer a joke.

My head is spinning sidewards i know longer want to live. Everyone is take and ive lost all i can give.

My true friends went a while ago im surrounded by scum, i miss my kids, my wife, i miss my dad and mum.

I overdose on everything i take a chance on death, i long for my end and to take my last sweet breath.

I wake up 2 weeks later my head is clear and true i dont want to die i no longer feel so blue,

Ive been given one more chance in life a miracle well and true,

The life i was living is not for me or you.

Money is no god, drugs are not your friend. Family and good friends stay with you until your dying end.

Money is no god, drugs are not your friend. Family and good friends stay with you until your dying end.

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Im 18 years old now been doing

Poetry

Remember me?
We met at a party.
When I was much younger:
You were my best friends.
Always there to lift my up.
Always there to make me laugh.
Always there to help me not care, Nor to cry.
I was always the life of the party.
You numbed me from reality.
From the hurt, and pain inside.
You made me forget the bad, and only think of you.
You and the good you came with.
Or so I thought.
Because at the end.
You took more than everything away.you took… me

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Remember me? We met at a party. When I

Personal Journeys, Poetry

So many ppl around me are now deceased but i still managed to crawl into the belly of the beast ive lost my best friend to it and even my love and im lucky myself to not be sent up above they question to why i still followed this path well if u have the answer plz tell me bc i cant do the math maybe it was my mom who always made it seem to fun she seduced me with the habit every drug under the sun when i lost my loved ones i was left broken and bent for some reason im still standing must of never been meant The uncomfortable skin constant cold sweats one min on top the next buried in debts the ripping and tearing my family apart made me come to my senses pray for a new start i wont blame my mother she only wanted to keep us together and deep down i know im wired tp love her no matter the weather to wake up withdrawl free from dope really makes me appreicate living and fills me with hope So now its my time to shine like a star but first i must surrender to the evil black tar i know she owes me too but for my mom i. Have amends and ill stay headstrong and sober for my unfortunate friends Theirs a reason god let me stay walking this earth ill prove to them my ability to change and my worth so today is the day i lay all my beast to rest bc if not id lose myself again and have the heart ripped out my chest

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So many ppl around me are now

Personal Journeys, Poetry

Feelings
It’s November 18. I have just left detox facility for at least the fourth time. I’ve been to rehab six different times but right now I’m eating popcorn, watching television drinking a glass of wine. I don’t know why am drinking glass of wine I don’t want to be drinking this glass of wine. I don’t even like the way wine tastes , but here I am ,8 o’clock. Drinking a glass of wine

I’ve gotten paid money to play baseball. I have a masters of business degree and I have been a successful salesman, yet here we are, again. I’m not just the homeless guy is downtown making excuses. This is my excuse, and I don’t know how to deal with it.

Over the years, there’s been labels. Easy ways to identify, to sympathize , to try and understand. Those labels are not incorrect, but are unable to be understood unless truthfully worn.

I wish no one to have to wear that label.
For the label ruins things , ruins, life, it ruins people.

My family should’ve seen a grandson by now, running down those stairs. I don’t know if I’ll ever carry on the family name in.

I felt like I’ve grown up with a lot of responsibility even though I didn’t want it or know how to do it. But I feel like I’ve tried to get my family through things that not everyone should experience and I never move from Wheeling because if I did who would watch my grandmother, she means everything to me

I am writing this in tears, because in 39 years I could never properly identify my feelings or emotions. I don’t know how to live. I don’t know why there’s any questions to go through my head every night like…. what is wrong with me and what can I do? How do I stop this?? and on and on.

Yes I’m an alcoholic. But there’s something in there that’s more . There’s something more than just drinking/. if I knew what it was, I would tell you. there is intense distain for me myself in general Ive done nothing right my whole life. All I wanted to do was have a good time. All I wanted to do was party if that’s even what you call it it wasn’t really partying it was getting to a level that wasn’t me. I didn’t wanna be me I still don’t.

I’m 39 years old I have a dog. yeah I have a place but I have no job and I’m watching TV drinking wine and eating popcorn. What kind a live is that? one day I hope someone read this, and they can relate: sitting on the couch 39 years old, tears streaming down the face, not knowing why not caring why, just not wanting to be with their face

And closing, I just sit here, confused, and guilty to not have lived a life … too regretful to not have lived a life at all.

I don’t know how to express anything. I don’t know how to express thanks , I don’t know how to express gratitude, I have no idea how to say thank you to anyone. I find myself thinking about these things often.. why am I so
Flawed? but why do I have so many talents. I don’t really understand what’s going on in my head. No no that’s rarely not really. Maybe the most flowed can help the most vulnerable. Just let us help

—Justin edwards—- Popcorn

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Feelings It’s November 18. I have just left