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By Uri Hotchberg

Where Am I
Is this rock bottom
What did I do to deserve this
Why is this happening
Just kill me

There is so much pain
Anger, shame, and guilt
Resentment, fear, and hopelessness
Darkness it’s so dark
Its to dark
There is no light at the end
I’d rather be dead

Isolation is my comfort zone
Love there is none
Not for myself
Not for anyone else
Care- it left my existence
Soul- I have none
Emptiness- I am so empty

Hope- there is none
Dreams- it leads to pain
Decisions- all bad
Emotions- I don’t want to feel
Happy- I am consumed with sadness

So many scars
Hurt many people
Really hurt my family
To many sins
And terrible things
What’s wrong with me
I hate myself

Is it a disease
Was I born with it
Did someone create it
Did I create it
Is there a cure
Is there medicine
How do I get rid of it

Repress it
Bury it
Deep deep
Make it go away
I don’t want to feel it anymore
Self-medicate

Alcohol, drugs that should work
It works till it doesn’t work
Its my way of life
The only way to manage life
Cant get out
Don’t want to get out
Need more more more
It has to work

Its not working
There has to be another way
But I’m not worth it
I don’t deserve it
I shouldn’t be forgiven
I’m not a good person
I have nothing to offer

Choice- decision
Live or die
Happy or sad
Joy or anger
Hope or hopelessness
Forgive myself or live in shame
Dream or fear
Love or hate

I am strong
I can choose
If I love
I can be loved
I can accept what I cant change
I can change what I can
Myself

Take a risk
Let someone in
Give from my heart
Help and to be helped
My love can help you
Your love can help me
My love can help me
I am worth it

By Uri Hotchberg Where Am I Is this rock

Author: Kristy R.

Just another one, os all it takes for my brain to give in. For all the hard work I have put into being sober and starting my new path to be taken away. Just another one, is what can bring me down to my knees to ask God to make me strong enough to fight this voice inside my head.

Just another one, is my runaway thought when I’m overwhelmed or my anxiety is too much to handle. Just another one,Is why I’ve been numb for as long as I can remember blocking all the noise my brain would make.

Just another one,Is why I would lay in bed awake watching time go by and never knowing why I did this to myself. The day I stopped listening to that voice say Just another one,Is when I learned this is not okay.

I have to be stronger then myself, stronger then my cravings, strong enough to know to live in this world of evil with my babies I need to be completely aware of everything completely sober to be able to watch them grow and protect them with everything thing inside of me.

Every time I just took another one I let myself and my children down I was not able to be the mother they needed I couldn’t properly raise them or protect them because I was so numb to everything in this world.

Without another one I can keep striving for the best me possible and learning how to get there without being numb. It’s not easy and never will be but Just another one is not in my dictionary anymore! I have replaced it with you can’t not be numb!

Author: Kristy R. Just another one, os all

Author: Brittany M.

Overwhelmed, feeling exhausted.

Never ending tasks that never get started.

It’s  like one step forward – five steps back

Only focus then was finding which vein to track.

With the flash of blood and the push of the plunger

You filled me, like I was starving from hunger.

Steady with the pull, you made me euphoric.

Who would have known how many blessings you’d make me forfeit.

I won’t lie, you helped me get through a great deal of pain;

But keeping you around now, just won’t be the same.

I put you before my relationship, my family, my freedom, and my daughter.

I had a full academic scholarship, I should’ve been smarter.

By God’s grace I have a chance to redeem my life.

I’m going to get my shit together peacefully, without any of your bullshit or strife.

I’m looking forward to freedom in the rest of my days

But don’t get it twisted – I’ll always think of you, but in my past you will stay.

I forgive you for blinding my judgement, making me believe you were a treat

This go around, the only ups and downs I want to face is in between the sheets.

Author: Brittany M. Overwhelmed, feeling exhausted. Never ending tasks

Author: Melissa S.

I said I’d never find you,
Who knew that would be a lie
I knew what you could do,
So now I ask myself why?

I felt so alone,
You promised me comfort
In that first bowl
Who knew what I’d suffer

One was too many,
A thousand wasn’t enough
This new beginning
Was already to much

It hid behind a mask
I didn’t see it coming
In a trance by the music
It seemed to be strumming

This is my story
Who knew it’d be so sad
I only saw the glory
Blind to all the bad

I no longer felt so blue
This should have been a sign
Instead Everything I knew
Flew from my mind

One hit
Brought me comfort
One shot
Brought me to life

Nothing seemed wrong
Consequences I couldn’t see
All my pain was gone
I felt so free

There could never be a romance
Like yours and mine
The way that we dance
They call crazy in my mind

No love could compare
Your Always there
I can see the despair
I know it’s not fair

You damaged my life
Corrupted my soul
This is my fight
To repair on my own

I need to find me
So please let me go
Its time for me to truly be free
No longer for you to hold

Once you were my choice
Then you became my habit
Now I’ve found my voice
I’m recovering not an addict

Author: Melissa S. I said I’d never find

Author: Frankie O.

Awake in the morning
Starts a new day
No fear on awakening
Is the start of today’s play

Doors without locks
Unbarred windows
Comfy sheets clean and dry
I didn’t wake and start to cry

Fish in the fish tank
Birdsong received
A prayer in the morning
Is what I perceive

It says that I am thankful
It asks for his help
To be grateful for his mercy
Kind to them I might help

Coffee in the morning
Maybe even toast
Not gagging in the bathroom
With that mirror’s awful roast

The van is on the driveway
It’s insured it’s even taxed
Who knew the time just flew
Van is even waxed

I am great full to be me today
I wouldn’t have thought there would come a day
When great-full words
Would be mine to say

Author: Frankie O. Awake in the morning Starts a

Author: Samuel W. Asselstine

I wait for her as the sun rises high,

She is not here,

I see her from afar,

She is gone as before,

Little notice and without a thought,

She takes her Love,

And shares herself with so many, yet

I miss her so dearly.

I wait for her as people eat breakfast,

She dines but no longer with me,

I see her in a car,

I see her in a store, and with

Little notice and without a thought,

She has left me for so many, yet still

I miss her so dearly.

She makes me Lie,

And she makes me steal,

She makes me beg,

She makes me kneel,

She makes me hurt,

She makes me cry, and with

Little notice and without a thought

She leaves me for so many,

Why would I miss her so dearly?

I think of her at night,

She doesn’t sleep,

She wakes me up, to check and see,

If she can have just one more spin with me,

There is no such thing as never,

Just not right now please,

I can find her when i want, and she’ll take me,

And everyone else in the way,

She’ll make me happy but not even for a day,

So, I decide when she’s with me,

Not the other way.

Author: Samuel W. Asselstine I wait for her

Author: Darian C.

the feeling comes along like a breeze, I never know when

The eager desire, the stomach aches, the twisted fates, the lies, the smiles, the fakes, the laughs, the losses, the nights you don’t remember, the conversations you’d never have, your moms crying and you don’t care, you called your ex five times, it’s all right there, it’s all here it’s all that you have, it’s all that you take in that green little pill, this is your life this is Xanax

Author: Darian C. the feeling comes along like

Author: Christopher Martinez

Don’t judge me

It’s funny how they think

they got a right to speak

Save it for your speech

can’t even show me What’s right

Getn gone all day barely getn thru night

Actin like everythings fine

Tryna catch me in a slip

Addiction trying to take minds

Hoping today isnt the day that I get got

While my kids waitin at the bus stop

feeling like he forget

fighting all alone

For everything seems lost

They yelling he’s never come home

do everything he can

auto pilot feeling numb

Bendin life tryna get to the top

no time to think Your Modern day robot

Remember the count can’t fuck up now

never break never sleep

Blowin cloud after cloud

Barely able to breathe

I hope you don’t know what it’s like

having starving mouths to feed

And understand what I mean

When I say this ain’t your day to eat

Mentally physically

killed my self for a lie

the sake of what we call love

Pretending you couldn’t see

Had me Lookin like John Pomfrey

When I was there for you , acting like you couldn’t see

Now you lookin down at me

While you up there smiling

My mind six feet under

starring at the clouds

Waiting on something that’s never comin down

Swearin to eternity

She was the one

Look at me now

Tell me if you had a second chance

Would you come back

Continue what we had

once again would I be your last

If you had a  machine

Would you go back in time

to tell you love me , just to let me know it’s deeper than the ocean

tell me was it worth overdosin

wishing it was all dream

Would still do anything

Just to see for a second

No matter what it is your dealing with in life

Just don’t judge me

For its not what you do

It’s how you do

So do you

The perfectly imperfect

Author: Christopher Martinez Don’t judge me It’s funny

Author: Jessica McClintock

We survive in the dark shadows of night

Trying to run from our internal curse

Hiding our pain with the smoke that blocks out the light

Falling deeper in darkness feeling better for now while making it worse

Not realizing at first that this puddle is what will cause us to drown

Drawn in by the numbness that masks the hidden inner beast

Fools for thinking we could break free getting high with these chains still dragging us down

Seeking to regain control of our scattered minds and from the torturous emotions find temporary relief

From the glass to the puddle and from that puddle into smoke

This addiction takes over and in its haze we become lost and confused

Days turn to weeks then months into years losing time itself toke after toke

It becomes what seems to be the only thing left preventing this internal explosion and without it we will lose

This battle we have inside ourselves its not a fair fight but more of a catch 22

Inhaling the smoke to hold the grip on sanity yet still going crazy with or without the smoky haze

Becoming increasingly insane with growing self hatred and rage is the problem us addicts face day after day

Broken fragments of ourselves regardless of how much we do to ignore these internal scars

You cant outrun yourself. No matter where you go, there is where you still are

On this broken path of self destruction with nothing left but ourselves to lose

In the end it doesn’t matter we are all just broken people no matter which path in life we choose

Free to make the choice but no one is free of the consequences of those choices

And until Death brings the Devil to kick open Hell’s door

We remain lost in life and in our own minds continuing to fight An Addict’s War.

Author: Jessica McClintock We survive in the dark

Author: Leslie Cappiello

I see your scars

they’re not hidden

from me.

Others do not know

The grief you’ve been dragging…

No matter how much you try

The covering of a smile

Cements the fragility of your heart

The heart that beats in time

With the man/child you lost.

 

I know you’ve been living

In shadows of who you

Once were…

 

A towering tree

Roots long and wide

Reduced to dried tubers

Mixed with summer and winter

Emotions fall

into barren soil

The wounds of “what ifs”

cruelly crush the spring

 

The dead tree gives no shelter

 

Dry bones will not rise

fragments of vines – the wreath of grief sealed in this life.

 

Love that was and will always be

You, my son, live in me.

 

I am the scar that only you can see.

Blowing in the wind

Bending into what was

And will never be.

 

I live in the shadowland

 

Between the rains of winter and summer

Until we meet again.

Author: Leslie Cappiello I see your scars they’re not