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Dying to Live

While drunk and high on heroin, I caused a major accident on a busy interstate ….After being thrown 40 yards in the air, I hit the ground and was dead. What’s remarkable is the accident ultimately saved my life.

by Contently Bent

I am a drug addict and alcoholic. I believe I was born with a genetic predisposition to be so. Both of my parents are addict/alcoholics and as far back as I can remember I have been addicted to everything.

Whatever it was, I was addicted to it. Be it sugar, sports, video games and eventually heroin, my behavior has been the same since birth.

My parents divorced shortly after I was born. There was constant conflict between the two, which I believe created fear and abandonment issues that I still carry with me today.

My mother had custody of my sister and me. My dad disappeared for years up until the point he showed up again, and we had to then live with him. He left us in the care of another woman we did not know.

My sister and I endured horrible treatment from this woman. At this point, fear ran my life. Eventually, my sister and I moved back in with my mother.

Soon after, my mother went to prison for six years on drug related charges. At this point, my sister and I were passed along to adoption homes and also lived with various relatives. This all happened to me between the ages of five and eleven.

This created life long abandonment issues. It also led me to become a pathological liar, because I would say anything to please people and be accepted.

My sister and I had no consequences for our actions. This was the birth of my “self will running riot.”

After serving her time, my mom got custody of us again. Since my mom felt so guilty,  my sister and I had no consequences for our actions. This was the birth of my “self will running riot.”

In the early teens I began smoking pot and drinking, which I discovered help me escape reality and finally made me feel comfortable. That feeling became something I chased my entire life.

Shortly after, I started using hard drugs out of control to the point where I had to place myself into rehab. It was here I was first introduced to AA and I stayed sober for a few months.  But I did not believe at that point God or a higher power would be able to keep me sober.

Soon, it got to the point where my  mom knew I was dealing cocaine out of our house – but did nothing about it.. She also became one of my party partners.

There started to be legal consequences for my actions. By the age of 21, I had three DUI’s and was facing years in prison if I had another one. But that didn’t stop me. I got another one and did two years in prison.

At this stage, I realized I was not going to be able to stop on my own. I needed help.

While in prison, I made a promise to myself to never do drugs and alcohol again. Within hours after being free I was using – wondering how it happened. From the age of 26 – 34, my life was getting drunk and high every day. This lead to the point where I was physically dependent and addicted to drugs and alcohol.

At this stage, I realized I was not going to be able to stop on my own. I needed help. I called a treatment center after I saw one of their commercials on T.V.  They picked me up with a duffle bag full of dirty clothes and a serious drug habit. The next thirty days I went through severe withdrawals and they nursed me back to life. While I was here, it was a requirement to attend AA meetings and get a sponsor before I left treatment.

This lead to a sponsor who introduced me to the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. After reading the “Doctor’s Opinion” chapter I realized for the first time: 1) I was not alone 2) The nature of my disease 3) The solution to my problem.

This is the beginning of my belief in a higher power and the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. For the next two years, I devoted my life to God and AA. Things began to get really good. I never expected to be sober thirty days – let alone two years.

Unfortunately, I started to take my will back and began thinking that all the blessings in my life were because of me. I slowly stopped going to meetings and began to let a girl become my higher power. This lead to a relapse that would change the course of my life forever.

While drunk and high on heroin, I caused a major accident on a busy interstate. My car was totaled.  I kicked myself out of my car and began to cross the interstate when a car going seventy miles per hour did not see me and hit me. After being thrown 40 yards in the air, I hit the ground and was dead.

I was moved by  Trauma Hawk to the nearest hospital, where I would spend the next six months fighting for my life. During this time, I would go through seventy hours of surgeries and half of my internal body parts became  titanium.  The doctor told my family there was a strong chance I would never walk or talk again.

I now know that my sobriety comes before everything – because without it I am nothing.

I would defy all odds and eventually do both, but unfortunately, massive amounts of narcotics were necessary for me to accomplish this. The next year of my life consisted of physical rehabilitation, along with heavy drug use while I fought to walk. Even though walking became a part of my life, the prescription drugs weren’t enough for the pain. Heroin entered my life once again.

Four detoxes and two treatment centers later, I am now off all narcotics.  I am miraculously capable of  physically doing almost everything I love to do.  Most important, God has become relevant in all aspects of my life. He has been there through all of my spiritual, mental and physical recovery. 

Without the accident, I would never have this unbreakable bond and relationship with God as powerful as it is today. What’s remarkable is the accident has ultimately saved my life.

My life today consists of God, Recovery, Friends and Family. I now know that my sobriety comes before everything – because without it I am nothing. Living my life by the Principles of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous brings me great joy, peace and spiritual guidance.

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Elizabeth
Elizabeth
1 year ago

I am so proud of you big bro for never giving up. Eventho I know you wanted to. And for always fighting for what you knew was best. Being sober. I love you more than any words can Express and am proud of you just the same.

Jeremy
Jeremy
1 year ago

Thanks for your courage in sharing your story, Courageously Bent. Incredibly proud of you. Love and peace as you continue your journey. 🙂

Angie
Angie
11 months ago

I have tears of joy!!!…
You more than anybody knows I am beyond proud of you !!..
Love ya !!😘

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