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Step Two

We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

The process of coming to believe is something that addicts seem to experience in similar ways. One thing most of them lacked was a working relationship with a Higher Power.

It is quite likely that, before coming to a 12 Step Program, addicts never believed in any power but their own willpower, and that had failed them. 12 Step Programs introduce them to a new understanding.

They draw hope from this understanding and begin to comprehend what it means to believe that a power greater than themselves can restore them to sanity. They find additional hope by listening to other recovering addicts. They can relate to where they’ve been and draw hope from who they’ve become.

They listen closely at meetings and become willing to apply what they hear to their own lives. As they begin to believe that there is hope for them, they also begin to trust the process of recovery.

They begin to develop this relationship by simply admitting to the possibility of a Power greater than themselves. Most of them have no trouble admitting that addiction had become a destructive force in their lives.

Their best efforts resulted in ever greater destruction and despair. At some point they realized they needed the help of some Power greater than their addiction. Their understanding of a Higher Power is up to them.

No one is going to decide for them. They can call it the group, the program, or they can call it God. The only suggested guidelines are that this Power be loving, caring and greater than themselves.

They don’t have to be religious to accept this idea. The point is that they open their minds to believe. They may have difficulty with this, but by keeping an open mind, sooner or later, they find the help they need.

As addicts approach Step Two, they can practice the principle of honesty by acknowledging and sharing what they do or don’t believe about a Power greater than themselves. Developing their openmindedness requires some effort, but they can practice this principle by listening to other recovering addicts share how they came to believe.

Step Two We came to believe that a

We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction; that our lives had become unmanageable:

In this step, you face the reality of your addiction and come to terms with the fact that your life is out of control. You are preparing yourself to receive the help you need.

The First Step – An Action Step

As an addict begins working the First Step, it is important to ask themselves some basic personal questions: “Do I understand that I have no real control over drugs?”  Am I willing to stop using? Am I willing to do whatever it takes to recover?

At first, many addicts may have thought the First Step required no action-they just surrender and go on to Step Two. But Step One does require action!

If they faithfully practice these principles, they will transform their perceptions and the way they live their lives. Surrender is only the beginning. Once they surrender, they need to learn how to live in the peace they have found.


Our using is a mental obsession, a physical compulsion and a spiritual self-centeredness – which is progressive, incurable, and can be fatal unless arrested. The addict lives in denial of these facts.

Obsession, for the addict, is the never-ending stream of thoughts relating to using drugs, running out of drugs, getting more drugs, and so on. They simply can’t get these thoughts out of their minds.

The physical compulsion is caused by their physical addiction to the substances once we start using them again. Their self-centeredness is what occurs when they are trapped in this viscious mental obession and physical compulsion.

The minute an addict admits their powerless, they never have to use again.

When they honestly admit their powerlessness over their addiction, they can begin the search for a better way to live.

First Step and Isolation

The First Step begins with “we”, and there’s a reason for that. When addicts go to meetings and make this admission, they gain more than personal strength. They become members, part of a collective “we” that allows them, together, to recover from their addiction.

They realized that they couldn’t stop using drugs on their own. Addiction is an isolating disease, closing them off from society, family, and self. They hid. They lied. They scorned the lives they saw others living, surely beyond their grasp. Their lives lost meaning, and they withdrew further and further from reality.


Addicts come into treatment and recovery as broken individuals. They posssibly can be morally, spiritually, physically and financially bankrupt. In the acknowledgement of those facts, they can surrender and know that victory lies in the admission of defeat.

They begin to believe on a deep level that they, too, can recover. They begin to let go of their doubts and truly come to terms with their disease. They become open to change. They surrender.

Not that surrender is always easy. On the contrary, surrender can be difficult, especially in the beginning.  And the more they surrender, the easier it gets.

Unmanageable Lives

Some addicts realized their lives had become unmanageable because they felt out of control emotionally or began to feel guilty about their drug use. Some lost everything— homes, families, jobs, and  self respect. Some spent time in jails and institutions. And some have come very close to death.

Their unmanageable actions and thoughts will be replaced by spiritual principles and way of life:

Something inside them tells them they have had enough of a damaged and tragic life. They are ready to take that first and often most difficult step toward dealing with their disease.”  

We admitted that we were powerless over

Narcotics Anonymous is a global, community-based organization with a multilingual and multicultural membership. NA was founded in 1953, and members hold nearly 67,000 meetings weekly in 139 countries today.

What is the NA Program

What Is the Narcotics Anonymous Program? NA is a nonprofit fellowship or society of men and women for whom drugs had become a major problem. We are recovering addicts who meet regularly to help each other stay clean. This is a program of complete abstinence from all drugs.

There is only one requirement for membership, the desire to stop using. We suggest that you keep an open mind and give yourself a break. Our program is a set of principles written so simply that we can follow them in our daily lives. The most important thing about them is that they work.

There are no strings attached to NA. We are not affiliated with any other organizations. We have no initiation fees or dues, no pledges to sign, no promises to make to anyone. We are not connected with any political, religious, or law enforcement groups, and are under no surveillance at any time. Anyone may join us regardless of age, race, sexual identity, creed, religion, or lack of religion.

We are not interested in what or how much you used or who your connections were, what you have done in the past, how much or how little you have, but only in what you want to do about your problem and how we can help.

The newcomer is the most important person at any meeting, because we can only keep what we have by giving it away. We have learned from our group experience that those who keep coming to our meetings regularly stay clean.

Narcotics Anonymous is a global, community-based organization

Refuge Recovery is grounded in the belief that Buddhist principles and practices create a strong foundation for a path to freedom from addiction.

This program is an approach to recovery that understands:
All individuals have the power and potential to free themselves from the suffering that is caused by addiction. We feel confident in the power of the buddha’s teachings, if applied, to relieve suffering of all kinds, including the suffering of addiction. This is a process that cultivates a path of awakening, the path of recovering from the addictions and delusions that have created so much suffering in our lives and in this world.

Refuge Recovery believes that training our hearts and minds to see clearly and respond to our lives with understanding and non-harming can free us from addiction. In the beginning, some of these practices may seem confusing or counter-instinctual, and indeed some of them are, but we believe they provide a clear path to freedom.

Whether this path is familiar to you or new to you, we all benefit from the support of a community of peers who share this journey. Refuge Recovery seeks to support all those seeking recovery from addiction by building an extensive and comprehensive network of Refuge Recovery communities.

The Four Truths Of Refuge Recovery
Addiction Creates Suffering
The Cause of Addiction is Repetitive Craving
Recovery is Possible.
The Path to Recovery is Available.

The Four Foundations of Mindfulness:
1.  Mindfulness of body/breath
2.  Mindfulness of feelings
3.  Mindfulness of mind states
4.  Mindfulness of mind objects (truth)

Heart Practice Meditations:
1. Kindness: Towards all experience
2. Compassion/forgiveness: Towards the suffering we experience, and have caused.
3. Appreciation: Towards pleasure
4. Equanimity: Understanding the reality of ongoing change

Addiction Poetry


This is an abstinence-based path and philosophy. We believe that the recovery process begins when abstinence begins. The eight factors of the path are to be developed, experienced and sustained. This is not a linear path and, as such, does not have to be taken in order; rather, all of the factors will need to be developed and applied simultaneously. This is a guide to having a life that is free from addiction. The eight-fold path of recovery is intended to be maintained throughout one’s lifetime:

We understand that recovery begins when we renounce and abstain from all substances or addictive behaviors regardless of specific substances we have become addicted to. Forgiveness, non-harming actions, service and generosity are a necessary part of the recovery process. We can’t do it alone; community support and wise guidance are an integral part of the path to recovery.

We begin to open to and acknowledge the reality of our situation and come to terms with the reality that life is an ongoing process of change, on-going difficulties and we begin to see this process as something that is not happening to “us”; we move from being in a state of reacting to developing an awareness that can respond to the ups and downs of our lives. We begin to take responsibility for the relationship that we have to our own life experience.

We begin to move towards a lifestyle that is rooted in non-harming by establishing clear intentions and work to change our relationship towards the mind’s unwholesome tendencies and habits. We intend to meet all pain with compassion and all pleasure with non-attached appreciation. The practices of non-harming both internally and externally become a foundational part of daily life

We take refuge in the community as a place to practice wise and skillful communication and to support others on their path. We practice being honest, wise and careful with our communications, asking for help from the community, allowing others to guide us through the process. Practicing openness, honesty and humility about the difficulties and successes we experience.

We abstain from all substances and behaviors that could lead to suffering. We practice forgiveness toward all people we have harmed or been harmed by, including ourselves, through both meditative training and direct amends. Compassion, non-attached appreciation, generosity, kindness, honesty, integrity and service are our guiding principles.

We begin to look at our relationship to money. We try to be of service to others when ever possible, being generous with our time, energy, attention and resources to help create positive change. We try to secure a source of income/livelihood that causes no harm.

We commit to the daily disciplined practices of meditation, yoga, exercise, wise actions, kindness, forgiveness, generosity, compassion, appreciation and moment-to-moment mindfulness of feelings, emotions, thoughts and sensations. To develop these skills requires time and patience. It is important to begin to understand how to apply the appropriate action or meditation practice in any given situation or circumstance. We will need to develop the willingness and discipline that is required to stay with it, and to keep going when we make mistakes.

We develop wisdom and understanding through practicing formal mindfulness meditation. This leads to seeing clearly and healing the root causes and conditions that lead to the suffering of addiction. We practice present-time awareness in all aspects of our life. We move towards taking refuge in the present moment; to engage whole-heartedly in our lives as it unfolds in the here and now. We begin to develop a daily sitting practice of mindfulness and heart practices. We make a commitment to sitting at home and with others.

We develop the capacity to focus the mind on a single object, such as the breath or a phrase, training the mind through the practices of loving-kindness, compassion and forgiveness to focus on the positive qualities we seek to uncover and we utilize concentration at times of temptation or craving in order to abstain from acting unwisely.


We are asked to embrace the reality of cause and effect (karma). All of our actions have consequences. We know that, but we rarely consider this reality when we engage with life. We often simply ignore or pretend that we can get away with all types of habits and actions that we know cause harm to ourselves and to others.

When we enter this recovery process we need to be aware of this reality, and start to take responsibility for our experience.  Meditation practice allows us to look at the internal habits and thoughts of our own mind.

Developing mindfulness is the most effective way to see this process. We can begin to get a sense of our relationship to pleasant and unpleasant experience, how this affects our habits of craving and in turn leads to grasping, clinging and attachment: This process is the basis of addiction.

No one can recover for you. We take refuge in the fact that we have the power to do so.  You have to do the work yourself.  Addiction is not your fault. Addicts have just developed a strategy for living that no longer works. We have become caught up in a habitual cycle that leaves us in a state of suffering and confusion.


Refuge Recovery is grounded in the belief

Tennessee Williams, F Scott Fitzgerald, Hemingway, Cheever, Carver, Berryman… Six giants of American literature – and all addicted to alcohol. In an edited extract from her new book, The Trip to Echo Spring, Olivia Laing looks at the link between writers and the bottle.
(Editor’s Note: This article has been shortened for reading time. To view original article:

In the small hours of 25 February 1983, the playwright Tennessee Williams died in his suite at the Elysée, a small, pleasant hotel on the outskirts of the Theatre District in New York City. He was 71: unhappy, a little underweight, addicted to drugs and alcohol and paranoid sometimes to the point of delirium. 

The next day, the New York Times ran an obituary claiming him as “the most important American playwright after Eugene O’Neill”, though it had been two decades since his last successful play.

He was also a kind, generous, hard-working man, who rose at dawn almost every morning of his life, sitting down at his typewriter with a cup of black coffee to produce what would amount to well over 100 short stories and plays.

At the same time, he was a lonely, depressed alcoholic who managed by degrees to isolate himself from almost everyone he loved. 

Things got worse in 1963, when Williams’s long-term partner Frank Merlo, nicknamed the Little Horse, died of lung cancer. After that, he was far gone and out, barely perpendicular against the current, buoyed on a diet of coffee, liquor, barbiturates and speed.

Hardly any wonder he found speech difficult, or kept toppling over in bars, theatres and hotels. Each year he put on a new play, and each year it failed, rarely lasting a month before it closed.

Two years before he died, Williams was interviewed in the Paris Review. He talked about his work and the people he had known, and he touched too, a little disingenuously, on the role of alcohol in his life, saying: “O’Neill had a terrible problem with alcohol. Most writers do. American writers nearly all have problems with alcohol because there’s a great deal of tension involved in writing, you know that. And it’s all right up to a certain age, and then you begin to need a little nervous support that you get from drinking.”

Tennessee Williams
Tennessee Williams sitting in a bar in Turkey, c1948. He was plagued by depression and self-loathing, and yet produced some of the great American plays. Williams fought his alcohol addiction all his life. Photograph: Hulton Archive/Getty Images

While not all of this statement is wholly to be believed, it’s true that Williams was by no means the only alcoholic writer in America, or anywhere else for that matter. Ernest Hemingway. F Scott Fitzgerald. William Faulkner. John Cheever. Patricia Highsmith. Truman Capote. Dylan Thomas. Jack London. Marguerite Duras. Elizabeth Bishop. Jean Rhys. Hart Crane.

These are among the greatest writers of our age, and yet, like Williams, their addiction to alcohol damaged their creativity, ravaged their relationships and drove many of them to death.

 Discussing Edgar Allan Poe, Baudelaire once commented that alcohol had become a weapon “to kill something inside himself, a worm that would not die”. In his introduction to Recovery, the posthumously published novel of the poet John Berryman, Saul Bellow observed: “Inspiration contained a death threat. He would, as he wrote the things he had waited and prayed for, fall apart. Drink was a stabiliser. It somewhat reduced the fatal intensity.”

In Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, Williams explains the desire even more succinctly. Towards the end of the play, Brick, the former football hero, tells his father that he needs to keep drinking until he hears “the click…This click that I get in my head that makes me peaceful. I got to drink till I get it.” Horrified, Big Daddy grabs his son’s shoulders, exclaiming: “Why boy, you’re alcoholic.”

Most of the previously mentioned writers died in middle age, and the deaths that weren’t suicides tended to be directly related to the years of hard and hectic living. At times, all tried in varying degrees to give up alcohol but only two succeeded, late in life, in becoming permanently dry.

These sound like tragic lives, the lives of wastrels or dissolutes, and yet these six men – Tennessee Williams, Ernest Hemingway, F Scott Fitzgerald, John Cheever, John Berryman and Raymond Carver – produced between them some of the most beautiful writing this world has ever seen.

I wanted to know how their writing and drinking had intertwined, and so in 2011 I took a trip across America. Over the course of a month I travelled by plane and train across the country, drifting from New York to New Orleans, Key West, St Paul and Port Angeles.

I chose these places because they seemed to serve as staging posts, in which the successive phases of alcohol addiction had been acted out. By travelling through them in sequence, I thought it might be possible to build a kind of topographical map of alcoholism, tracing its developing contours from the pleasures of intoxication through to the gruelling realities of the drying-out process.

Tom had been a sickly, delicate boy, and as a teenager began to suffer the panic attacks that would dog him until the very last days of his life. At first he used to self-medicate by pacing the streets of St Louis or swimming frantic lengths in a nearby pool. But as he grew older and moved to New York, sex and alcohol became his preferred methods of managing stress.

In his autobiography, Memoirs, he remembered how after drinking wine “you felt as if a new kind of blood had been transfused into your arteries, a blood that swept away all anxiety and all tension for a while, and for a while is the stuff that dreams are made of”.

Addiction PoetryShort-story master John Cheever in 1975, which was the year he was admitted to a treatment centre and afterwards declared: ‘I came out 20lb lighter and howling with pleasure.’ He never drank again and died of cancer in 1982. Photograph: Bernard Gotfryd/Getty Images

He was by no means the only writer who used alcohol in this way. The same trick was employed by John Cheever, one of the greatest short-story writers of his or any century. Cheever fascinated me because he was, in common with many alcoholics, a helpless mixture of fraudulence and honesty. 

Cheever couldn’t shake the sense of (as seeing himself as) being an impostor (artiste) among the middle classes. Writers, even the most socially gifted and established, must be outsiders of some sort, if only because their job is that of scrutiniser and witness. All the same, Cheever’s sense of double-dealing seems to have run unusually deep.

Who wouldn’t drink in a situation like that, to ease the pressure of maintaining such intricately folded double lives? He’d been hitting it hard since he first arrived in New York, back in 1943. Even in the depths of poverty he managed to find funds for nights that might, head-splittingly, take in a dozen Manhattans or a quart apiece of whiskey.  

Alcohol was an essential ingredient of Cheever’s ideal of a cultured life, one of those rites whose correct assumption could protect him from the persistent shadows of inferiority and shame.

Instead, it did just the opposite. By the late 1950s, Cheever was using the word alcoholism to describe his behaviour, writing grimly: “In the morning I am deeply depressed, my insides barely function, my kidney is painful, my hands shake, and walking down Madison Avenue I am in fear of death. But evening comes or even noon and some combination of nervous tensions obscures my memories of what whiskey costs me in the way of physical and intellectual wellbeing. I could very easily destroy myself. It is 10 o’clock now and I am thinking of the noontime snort.”

In order to understand how an intelligent man could get himself into such a dire situation, it’s necessary to understand what a glass of champagne or shot of scotch does to the human body.

 Alcohol is both an intoxicant and a central nervous depressant, with an immensely complex effect upon the brain. A single drink brings about a surge of euphoria, followed by a diminishment in fear and agitation caused by a reduction in brain activity. Everyone experiences these effects, and they are the reason alcohol is such a pleasurable drug; the reason why, despite my history, I too love to drink.

But if the drinking is habitual, the brain begins to compensate for these calming effects by producing an increase in excitatory neurotransmitters. What this means in practice is that when one stops drinking, even for a day or two, the increased activity manifests itself by way of an eruption of anxiety, more severe than anything that came before. This neuroadaptation is what drives addiction in the susceptible, eventually making the drinker require alcohol in order to function at all.

As it gathers momentum, alcohol addiction inevitably affects the drinker, visibly damaging the architecture of their life.

Not everyone who drinks, of course, becomes an alcoholic. The disease, which exists in all quarters of the world, is caused by an intricate mosaic of factors, among them genetic predisposition, early life experience and social influences.  Jobs are lost. Relationships spoil. There may be accidents, arrests and injuries, or the drinker may simply become increasingly neglectful of their responsibilities and capacity to provide self-care.

Conditions associated with long-term alcoholism include hepatitis, cirrhosis, gastritis, heart disease, hypertension, impotence, infertility, various types of cancer, increased susceptibility to infection, sleep disorders, loss of memory and personality changes caused by damage to the brain. More stress, of course: to be drowned out in turn by drink after drink after drink.

Addiction PoetryF.Scott Fitzgerald and his wife Zelda

This is where the black stories start. This is where you find the bloated, feuding Hemingway of the later years, his liver so swollen it protruded from his gut like a long leech. This is where you find F Scott Fitzgerald, washed up in Baltimore in the mid-1930s, his wife in an asylum, writing bad stories drunk and crashing his car into town buildings. And this is where you find the poet John Berryman, esteemed professor, breaking his bones and vomiting in strangers’ cars.

I hate these stories. They’re true and they’re also untrue, and profoundly distorting. What I discovered as I travelled was how ambiguous and contradictory the issue of writers and alcohol really is. On the one hand, there’s dissolution and degradation, and on the other there’s dogged labour, compulsive honesty and the production of enduring art.

Reading Tennessee Williams’s diaries while he was writing Cat on a Hot Tin Roof reveals a man in crisis, so profoundly addicted to alcohol that he carried a flask of whiskey wherever he went. And yet the play he produced is a miracle of truth-telling. It seems impossible that in the midst of such confusion and self-harm,

Williams was able to produce a play like Cat, with its uncompromising portrayal of the drinker’s urge to evade reality. And yet he retained in some unobliterated part of himself the necessary clarity to set down on paper a portrait of the self-deceiving nature of the alcoholic.

He was not the only one, by any means. From Berryman’s Dream Songs to Fitzgerald’s Tender Is the Night and Hemingway’s For Whom the Bell Tolls, there exist dozens of works of art in which an alcoholic writer reflects on their own disease; a disease, furthermore, that is hallmarked by distortions in thinking, particularly denial.

When I travelled to Key West to visit Hemingway’s house, I kept thinking in particular about a line in For Whom the Bell Tolls that compares alcoholism to “a deadly wheel… it is the thing that drunkards and those who are truly mean or cruel ride until they die.”

These stories weigh on me, and yet an alcoholic can stop drinking.

 I knew it from my own childhood, and I knew it from my reading. My mother’s ex-partner got dry at a treatment centre she still describes as a hellhole, and came back into our lives sober. John Cheever also managed it. “I came out of prison 20 pounds lighter and howling with pleasure.”

Addiction Poetry

The writer whose sobriety most interested me, however, was Raymond Carver. I’d come across his poems long ago, and been struck by the praiseful way he wrote about his second life: the one in which alcohol was no longer the dominating force.

It’s almost impossible to overestimate the hardship of Carver’s early adulthood, in which he struggled to educate himself and get food on the table while stealing every spare minute in which to write. In such straitened circumstances, it’s not difficult to understand why alcohol might have begun to seem like an ally, or else a key to a locked door.

There’s no doubt the odds were stacked against him; but nor is there much doubt that he became, six days out of seven, his own worst enemy. The things Carver did seem so senselessly self-destructive. One Raymond – Good Raymond, I suppose – would get on to a master’s programme, or find a decent job, and the other Raymond, the perverse, malevolent one, would somehow conspire to mess it up. 

At the same time he was unreliable, paranoid and violent; by his own description a bankrupt, a cheat, a thief and a liar. As for creativity, as he approached the height of his drinking he could barely write at all.

In 1976 he checked into Duffy’s, a private treatment centre in Napa. Unsurprisingly, he was back again weeks later, checking himself in on New Year’s Eve. It was his last pass through formal treatment. That spring he left his family and rented a house alone, overlooking the Pacific. For the next few months he went to AA meetings and tried, not always successfully, to maintain his balance on the wagon.

Slowly, over the next two years, he backed away from his family, whose ongoing troubles he felt certain were capable of scuttling his recovery. For a while he barely wrote, and then the new stories started coming; stories infused with “little human connections”; stories he’d “come back from the grave” to write. 

 Carver once said he didn’t believe in God, “but I have to believe in miracles and the possibility of resurrection. No question about that. Every day that I wake up, I’m glad to wake up.”

I stood by (Carver’s) grave for a long time, thinking about alcohol, and the trouble it brings. There’s a saying in AA that addiction isn’t your fault but recovery is your responsibility.

It sounds simple enough but making that step is about as easy as standing up and dancing on a sheet of black ice. In Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, Brick says to his dying father: “It’s hard for me to understand how anybody could care if he lived or died or was dying or cared about anything but whether or not there was liquor left in the bottle.”

Imagine feeling like that. And then imagine sitting down at your typewriter every morning, day after day, year after year. It was Cheever’s words I thought of then. In 1969, when he was still in the thickets of his own addiction, he was asked if he felt godlike at the typewriter.

What he answered seemed to me to sum up the ambiguity of writers and alcoholism, the difficulty of passing judgment on lives at once so troubled and so blessed. “No, I’ve never felt godlike,” he said. “No, the sense is of one’s total usefulness. We all have a power of control, it’s part of our lives: we have it in love, in work that we love doing. It’s a sense of ecstasy, as simple as that… In short, you’ve made sense of your life.”

© Olivia Laing. This is an edited extract from The Trip to Echo Spring, published by Canongate


Tennessee Williams, F Scott Fitzgerald, Hemingway, Cheever,

Hell no and Heaven Yes!!!  I may learn every aspect of life the hard way, but if I may…it’s absolutely, positively, a part of my D.N.A.

by Contently Bent

In the grips of a Demanding alter ego, I go blow for blow in the inevitable battle for self-destruction and self-preservation.

Brain waves crushing, the ways of one’s mental state, that hesitates to leave me alone. Broken bones mend the gap created when one’s true self is underrated and under attack.  Faded, past tense words stated by the enemy’s relevant Mantra Kill or be killed.

Dying ideas spills into my mind, creating subconscious standpoints, as another man points, in a direction he’ll never find. Was i kind? Doubtfully hence the fact I listened to multiple misguided interpretations of the right ways. 

Contaminated and defined by this so called disease, I beg and plea to be released from this assumed self inflicted barbaric torture. Bewildered by the omnipotent struggle, I Wonder is any of this actually self-inflicted, or  is it a twisted metaphor of one’s spiritual state. I too agree with the complex argument that states its not me. So my  fate rest in faith in the one that I was told created me? Or belated me and my well being.

Perplexed by in depth conversations had with no words. This is where the devil lives lavishly creating thoughts, evil and absurd. The pure nature of the Beast is the Beast at least when I’m at my least.

Alive and deceased stuck in the crease of the misguided fate of my DNA. Exact replicas of my hated diabolical biologicals, I swore I’d never become. How come?  So from conception, instant deception of what awaits. So I would spend 30 years in tears overwhelmed and consumed by a tangled web of unaddressed fear.  The devil stands corrected, neglected by his own misconception of how I’ll remain injected and unprotected.

Unbeknownst and unannounced, the battle remains insanely the same. Until the decision is made, to get up and give up. Really my will, how will I ever trust again? The unmentioned self-proclaimed intentions fade like smoke from the barrel of a gun.

I’m going to argue the fact that I can’t taste touch see feel or smell you as of now. Is it true that you exist or are you the infamous allegory of a grandiose myth. On the flip side I can taste touch smell and dwell in the  evil one’s presence. Is this the dis-ease of my disease.

So I’m begging please, release me  of the demons that run through the very blood that keeps me alive, or give me peace from the madness and let me die…? Hell no and Heaven Yes!!! I may learn every aspect of life the hard way, but if I may… It’s absolutely, positively, a part of my D.N.A.

    To all my loved ones…. Don’t give up on me please. As a matter of fact, we should never give up on anyone!!!  So if you recieved this just know that I love and appreciate you all so much and I’m determined to achieve sobriety!

Hell no and Heaven Yes!!!  I

While drunk and high on heroin, I caused a major accident on a busy interstate ….After being thrown 40 yards in the air, I hit the ground and was dead. What’s remarkable is the accident ultimately saved my life.

by Contently Bent

I am a drug addict and alcoholic. I believe I was born with a genetic predisposition to be so. Both of my parents are addict/alcoholics and as far back as I can remember I have been addicted to everything.

Whatever it was, I was addicted to it. Be it sugar, sports, video games and eventually heroin, my behavior has been the same since birth.

My parents divorced shortly after I was born. There was constant conflict between the two, which I believe created fear and abandonment issues that I still carry with me today.

My mother had custody of my sister and me. My dad disappeared for years up until the point he showed up again, and we had to then live with him. He left us in the care of another woman we did not know.

My sister and I endured horrible treatment from this woman. At this point, fear ran my life. Eventually, my sister and I moved back in with my mother.

Soon after, my mother went to prison for six years on drug related charges. At this point, my sister and I were passed along to adoption homes and also lived with various relatives. This all happened to me between the ages of five and eleven.

This created life long abandonment issues. It also led me to become a pathological liar, because I would say anything to please people and be accepted.

My sister and I had no consequences for our actions. This was the birth of my “self will running riot.”

After serving her time, my mom got custody of us again. Since my mom felt so guilty,  my sister and I had no consequences for our actions. This was the birth of my “self will running riot.”

In the early teens I began smoking pot and drinking, which I discovered help me escape reality and finally made me feel comfortable. That feeling became something I chased my entire life.

Shortly after, I started using hard drugs out of control to the point where I had to place myself into rehab. It was here I was first introduced to AA and I stayed sober for a few months.  But I did not believe at that point God or a higher power would be able to keep me sober.

Soon, it got to the point where my  mom knew I was dealing cocaine out of our house – but did nothing about it.. She also became one of my party partners.

There started to be legal consequences for my actions. By the age of 21, I had three DUI’s and was facing years in prison if I had another one. But that didn’t stop me. I got another one and did two years in prison.

At this stage, I realized I was not going to be able to stop on my own. I needed help.

While in prison, I made a promise to myself to never do drugs and alcohol again. Within hours after being free I was using – wondering how it happened. From the age of 26 – 34, my life was getting drunk and high every day. This lead to the point where I was physically dependent and addicted to drugs and alcohol.

At this stage, I realized I was not going to be able to stop on my own. I needed help. I called a treatment center after I saw one of their commercials on T.V.  They picked me up with a duffle bag full of dirty clothes and a serious drug habit. The next thirty days I went through severe withdrawals and they nursed me back to life. While I was here, it was a requirement to attend AA meetings and get a sponsor before I left treatment.

This lead to a sponsor who introduced me to the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. After reading the “Doctor’s Opinion” chapter I realized for the first time: 1) I was not alone 2) The nature of my disease 3) The solution to my problem.

This is the beginning of my belief in a higher power and the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. For the next two years, I devoted my life to God and AA. Things began to get really good. I never expected to be sober thirty days – let alone two years.

Unfortunately, I started to take my will back and began thinking that all the blessings in my life were because of me. I slowly stopped going to meetings and began to let a girl become my higher power. This lead to a relapse that would change the course of my life forever.

While drunk and high on heroin, I caused a major accident on a busy interstate. My car was totaled.  I kicked myself out of my car and began to cross the interstate when a car going seventy miles per hour did not see me and hit me. After being thrown 40 yards in the air, I hit the ground and was dead.

I was moved by  Trauma Hawk to the nearest hospital, where I would spend the next six months fighting for my life. During this time, I would go through seventy hours of surgeries and half of my internal body parts became  titanium.  The doctor told my family there was a strong chance I would never walk or talk again.

I now know that my sobriety comes before everything – because without it I am nothing.

I would defy all odds and eventually do both, but unfortunately, massive amounts of narcotics were necessary for me to accomplish this. The next year of my life consisted of physical rehabilitation, along with heavy drug use while I fought to walk. Even though walking became a part of my life, the prescription drugs weren’t enough for the pain. Heroin entered my life once again.

Four detoxes and two treatment centers later, I am now off all narcotics.  I am miraculously capable of  physically doing almost everything I love to do.  Most important, God has become relevant in all aspects of my life. He has been there through all of my spiritual, mental and physical recovery. 

Without the accident, I would never have this unbreakable bond and relationship with God as powerful as it is today. What’s remarkable is the accident has ultimately saved my life.

My life today consists of God, Recovery, Friends and Family. I now know that my sobriety comes before everything – because without it I am nothing. Living my life by the Principles of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous brings me great joy, peace and spiritual guidance.

While drunk and high on heroin, I

The morning garbage trucks wake us up.

In the alleys.

Behind dumpsters.

Under highway bridges.

Sunrise joggers are careful not to step on us.

First thoughts wishing we still had something from the night before.

Cans and bottles empty.

Tin foils scraped.

Maybe there’s a rock on the ground.

Needles have drawn our souls dry.

People going to work.

Kids going to school.

The sky is clear and blue.

Birds flaunt their morning joy.

We’ve decided this is the last time.

This is our last day.

We all begin to drift to the outskirts of town.

We walk up the hill towards blank sky.

Ignoring the voices that beg us to come back.

When we get to the top we fall over the edge

and sink in our black ocean.



The morning garbage trucks wake us up. In

We Can Be Victorious

Editor’s note:
All  sources for this Personal Journey has been omitted to protect the annonymity of the person who wrote this.  
It serves as an example for those who might need a guide how to write their story. Any methods of recovery or treatment mentioned in this article are not endorsed by

My name is ______ and I am a woman in long term Recovery and what that means to me is that I haven’t found it necessary to use any mind -altering substances since 2017 and for that I am truly grateful.

 My drug use started when I was in High School, with pain pills that I was prescribed to after I injured my back at a Track meet. After my injury, I lost the opportunity to get a Scholarship, that was offered to me. It wasn’t long before I became dependent on the pain medication.

 After some time, I developed a high tolerance, and had to take more and more of them at a time to even feel high. Each time I went to my pain management doctor I was given something stronger.

Eventually the pills no longer had the same effect on me, I started experimenting with other drugs and at that time I never thought I would ever shoot up anything but once I couldn’t get that same high from taking the pills, I was shown how to shoot up the OxyContin up at the age of 23.

It was game over from that day forward. Eventually when the OxyContin became too expensive, I was introduced to Heroin which was cheaper and easier to get, I would find myself many times doing whatever it took to get my next high.

I’ve struggled so much through the years to stay off the opiates. It’s been such a vicious cycle. I have attempted so many times to stay clean and sober but when I started shooting up Meth and Heroin, I completely lost all control of my life.

The longer I spiraled out of control it seemed like I could have never regained my sanity. I was hopeless and full of despair. I felt like I never stood a chance. It wasn’t until I admitted complete defeat and surrendered my life to my higher power that, I was able to see that I was bound by the disease of addiction.

In 2017 I was able to get into a detox program at ________.  I was what they would call a chronic relapser, I’ve never been able to maintain my sobriety successfully for an extended period. Having been to treatment for my Substance Use Disorder four (4) different times, it wasn’t until I went through the detox program that I was able to stop using opiates completely.

Once I started residential treatment, I was given the opportunity to be in the Pilot Program for Vivitrol (naltrexone for extended-release injectable suspension), which was a monthly injection for 16 months. Vivitrol gave me a chance to live a life without any opiates. It was a huge tool to help someone like me who couldn’t maintain her sobriety from opiates for any length of time.

Today I am 22 months clean and sober. To maintain my sobriety, I attend 12-step meetings, I attend therapy as well as stay connected with my support system. There are so many pathways to Recovery. Today I work as a Recovery Coach with the Youth. I get the opportunity to share my lived experience with others daily. 


We Can Be Victorious Editor's note: All  sources

What Is Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy?

Cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT, is one of the most common and effective behavioral therapies used to treat addiction. Developed to help prevent relapse for people who suffer from alcohol addiction, the central tenet of CBT is that learning processes play a crucial role in the development of harmful behaviors like abusing substances.

Cognitive behavioral therapy is used to modify a person’s attitudes and behaviors and as a result, change the way they feel. This is accomplished with therapeutic sessions that focus on the thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes of the person and how they relate to behaviors.

By learning to evaluate attitudes, beliefs and thought patterns and replace those that are harmful with those that are healthy, CBT aims to stop self-destructive behaviors and arm participants with skills and strategies for coping with stress and other potent triggers.

CBT was invented by psychiatrist Aaron Beck when he discovered that identifying emotion-filled thoughts that automatically occur in the mind was the key to understanding and overcoming emotional difficulties. Within the realm of substance abuse treatment, cognitive-behavioral therapy was developed as a way to treat alcoholism and prevent chronic relapse. It was later it was adjusted to treat individuals addicted to cocaine.

Cognitive behavioral therapy is an individualized approach to treatment that trains participants to:

  • Cope with cravings
  • Plan for emergencies
  • Recognize and cope with triggers
  • Identify high-risk situations and plan ahead to maintain sobriety despite them

CBT also addresses the underlying cause of the addiction, such as trauma, stress or mental illness. Participants in CBT practice skills in each session and continually examine and reshape their thought processes surrounding substance abuse.

CBT provides invaluable skills that clients will continue to use long after the completion of their long-term alcohol and drug rehab program. Research shows that cognitive behavioral therapy can be even more beneficial in substance abuse treatment when it is combined with other evidence-based treatment modalities, medications, and additional behavioral therapies, such as contingency management or 12-step facilitation therapy.

In addition, the positive effects of cognitive behavioral therapy remain long after therapy sessions have been completed. A study published in the journal Psychiatric Clinics of North America found that 60 percent of CBT participants who were addicted to cocaine provided clean urine samples at a 52-week follow-up.

Benefits of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy

  • Helps prevent relapse
  • Improves client’s ability to cope with and overcome trauma
  • Helps resolve relationship problems
  • Teaches clients how to cope with loss and grief in a healthy way
  • Improves anger management skills

How Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy Is Used in Addiction Treatment

Once you remove the addiction from someone’s life, what is left? The clinical counselors at Nova understand that addiction is not the main problem—it’s the underlying causes that are the real issues. Our staff uses cognitive-behavioral therapy to expose the underlying causes of a client’s addiction and help them identify and modify the beliefs and attitudes that directly contributed to their substance abuse.

At Nova, cognitive-behavioral therapy is used in every aspect of addiction treatment but is most often utilized on an individual level. CBT is a goal-oriented therapy that focuses on education and the resolution of specific problems. With that in mind, our therapists meet one-on-one with clients to help them develop important skills like problem-solving, coping strategies, and the ability to recognize moods, thoughts, and behaviors that stimulate drug cravings.

They also facilitate chemical dependency education groups throughout each client’s drug and alcohol rehab program. These group sessions address topics like nutrition, health, relapse prevention and more.

One of the main elements of cognitive-behavioral therapy within addiction treatment is anticipating situations or problems and improving the client’s ability to practice self-control by developing coping strategies. Nova’s clinical counselors use the following techniques to assist clients through this process:

What Is Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy? Cognitive behavioral therapy, or